Funeral for a Friend
by TheBeautifulNerd
Summary: What if Lily and Ethan were dating? What if Ethan had ended up dying in that car crash? Lily's grief goes from nothing, to depression, to severe anger and when she gets diagnosed as mentally ill, she misses Ethan more than ever. Rated T for character death.
1. Prologue

Prologue

It was raining, and the ED was quiet. Whilst only a few of the main doctor's and nurses were treating a couple of minor injuries, the others were all taking a break. Max was sat in a spare wheelchair, flicking through a magazine and he didn't even realise Robyn walk over.

"What are you reading?" She asked, swiping the magazine out of his hands and taking a quick glance at the cover. "Porn. I should have known. You're such a gentleman, aren't you?" She added with a hint of sarcasm and handed it back to him. "Shouldn't you be working?"

"I'm so bored," he sighed, tossing his head back. "There's nothing to do. Why can't someone just get injured?"

There was a yelp of pain and Max and Robyn both glanced over towards Lily. She'd been walking towards them and had gone and tripped over a pile of cleaning supplies that had been lying around.

"Does that need looking at?" Max called over.

"You are a porter," Lily reminded him and limped over. "Not a doctor and no, I am fine thank you."

"Never wish for people to get injured," Robyn laughed at her stepbrother, receiving a whack on the arm from his magazine. "Why are you even at work today Lily?"

"You are the third person who has asked me that," Lily snapped at her. "And I am getting sick and tired of it. Why aren't you two working?"

"There's nothing to do," Robyn reminded her. "Talk about a dull day at the ED. It's completely dead and Mrs Beauchamp still doesn't send us home early."

"Maybe because someone could get injured at any minute," Lily said out of the blue. "It's a whole world out there. Any second now, someone could fall down the stairs, get into a fight or...or get into a car crash. Maybe we should stop throwing away our lives by wasting time sitting down and actually get on with doing something. A casualty could happen any moment now." Lily glared at the two of them and walked away to carry on treating her patient.

"Wow, that was um...morbid," Max said, after a pause.

"Scary more like," Robyn added, watching Lily walk away. "I don't think she's coping too well. She shouldn't even be working at the moment. Cal's off and so is Dixie, so why not Lily?"

"Because Lily is stubborn and she insisted on working," Max pointed out.

"Well Mrs Beauchamp should have forced her to stay at home then," Robyn said. "I would have if I was in charge."

"I think she did," Max sighed. "But like I said, Lily insisted on working."

"Well, she shouldn't be," Robyn grumbled. "Come on. Let's go and find something work related to do so we don't get into trouble with Mrs Beauchamp."

"Do we have to?" Max groaned.

"Come on," Robyn encouraged and grabbed his arm, hauling him out of the wheelchair and dragging him away.

* * *

Cal stood outside the local church in front of one of the gravestones. He sighed deeply and read the writing carefully, at least six times. The flower in his hand kept blowing in the wind and he carefully placed it on the gravestone, holding it down with a heavy rock.

**Ethan Hardy**

**A loving doctor, brother and friend**

**Will never be forgotten**

**4th October 2014**

"Miss you Brother," Cal whispered and stood up straight. A single tear rolled down one side of his face and stuffing both hands into his pockets, he slowly began making his way back home.

**Hope you liked the prologue guys. I miss Ethan already haha, let me know what you think in a review :)**


	2. Chapter One

**CasualtyFanForever81: Thank you and thanks for your feedback :)**

**theverystuffoflife: I know! I am a terrible person haha. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore Ethan but I just thought it'd be a good storyline, if he did actually die in the crash :)**

**CBloom2: Aww I know, I hate the lack of Ethan in episodes. I hated the lack of Connie and Lily in last weeks episode haha. Glad you like the story :)**

**ETWentHome: Aww I know, I didn't mean to make people sad haha. Thanks for reviewing :)**

**Tanith Panic: Thank you, glad you think so :)**

Chapter One

Cal was dreading his first day back at work. He knew that everyone would be supportive and there was even a special memorial in the hospital for Jeff and Ethan. Loads of the patients knew them well and had grown fond of them. Some had even sent cards thanking them for the treatment that they had received and apologising for the hospital's loss. Jeff was named "an amazing paramedic" and Ethan was named "a caring doctor who loved to help people." Cal climbed out of the taxi and sighed, handing the money over to the driver and telling him to keep the change.

"Cal!"

Cal turned round at the sound of his voice and saw Ash making his way towards him.

"How you doing?" He asked, placing his hands on his hips.

Cal shrugged, his hands stuffed deeply into the pockets of his jeans. "Okay," he whispered, looking up at the hospital. "Not quite sure how I'm supposed to be feeling to be honest. Should I be climbing the walls and working as if nothing happened or...Cry. I don't know."

"We expect you to be feeling sad, Cal," Ash told him and gave his shoulder a reassuring rub. "You don't need to put on an act for anyone. Even Connie will understand. Trust me."

"Are um...Are Dixie and Lily back at work?" Cal asked.

"Dixie is coming back next week I think," Ash said. "And Lily never took any time off."

Cal's eyes widened in complete shock. "What?" He questioned her, having to laugh a little. "What do you mean?"

"You're not the only shocked one," Ash said. "Come on. Let's get this day started, yeah? You'll be okay." Knowing that he was right, Cal nodded and followed him into the ED. Everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and turned to look at him.

"Hi Cal," Robyn said in a soft tone and smiled a friendly smile at him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He smiled back, giving her a hug. "I'm fine. Thanks Robyn. Um...Where's Lily?" He asked, eyeing up the doctor's and nurses.

"Think she's dealing with a patient mate," Max informed him.

Cal nodded and pushed Robyn aside, walking over to the cubicles. The first curtain he pulled across revealed Lily and Connie talking to a patient with an embedded stick in their leg.

"You didn't take any time off!" Cal yelled at Lily straight away, causing the patient to jump slightly.

"Doctor Knight!" Connie scolded him and turned to the elderly man on the bed. "I am so sorry Sir. This isn't the usual way our doctor's behave. Do excuse me. Caleb, out."

"Not until I talk to Lily," Cal threatened.

"Cal, I am working!" Lily snapped at him with an aggressive tone.

"I need to talk to you," Cal ordered, clearly not letting it go. He grabbed hold of Lily's arm and dragged her straight out of the cubicle, ignoring Connie's calls completely. "Doctor Ash tells me you didn't take any time off work."

"Why is that such a problem?" Lily whispered, struggling away from his tight grip.

"Your boyfriend is dead," Cal said, almost breaking down in tears at his own words. "And you took no time to grieve about that Lily. You can't grieve properly when you're at work."

"What?" Lily scoffed and placed her hands on her hips. "And you think taking time off work, sitting around at home and constantly thinking about it helps? Do you?"

"It's what most people do when they have suffered a great loss," Cal hissed through gritted teeth. "Normal people."

"Maybe I'm not normal Caleb," Lily said. "Leave me alone."

Cal refused to leave her alone though. He stood directly in front of her, blocking her path and just continued to leave her alone. "Look!" He said in a loud tone. "I'm sure Mrs Beauchamp would still let you have time off if you asked for it."

"I don't need it!" Lily began to get annoyed at that point and shoved Cal's shoulder. He remained standing where he was though, shaking his head at her.

"Doctor Knight!" Connie scolded, walking in. "What on earth is going on out here?" Lily shook her head back at him and stormed away for a quick break. "Don't go handling her like that," Connie whispered to Cal. "When she's ready, she'll talk."

"But..."

"Doctor Knight," Connie cut him off and held up a hand. "Confronting her like that is not going to help. Take a breather, grab yourself a drink and calm down for me."

"I'm fine," Cal sighed, running a hand through his head. "What do you want me to do?"

"I'm not having you treating patients in this state," Connie snapped. "When you have a moment, come and see me. Just take a breather first for crying out loud."

* * *

Lily was sat in the staffroom on the sofa, alone and in silence. She liked it that way though. She didn't want to see anyone and she didn't want to speak to anyone. She hung her head and sighed deeply. She then looked up and took a small sip of her water. Enjoying her alone time a bit too much, the door opened and Tess walked in.

"Lily," she said and went to take a seat next to her. "I have been sent to have a quick word."

"I'm okay," Lily lied. "Just having my break."

"Well, you've had about six today and it's not even the afternoon yet," Tess said. "You okay?" Lily nodded. "Are you sure you don't want to go home?"

"Positive," Lily said. "There are jobs that need doing. Who sent you?"

"Charlie," Tess said. "Connie insisted that you'd be okay but Charlie has been worrying about you. We all are."

"Why?" Lily asked.

The question shocked Tess. It was as if Lily had forgotten all about Ethan's death. "Because you haven't had any time off."

"You haven't either," Lily pointed out.

"But Cal lost his brother and he did," Tess told her. "You've lost your boyfriend Lily. I know that we're all grieving but he was closer to you and Cal and you...you haven't actually cried yet."

"How do you know?" Lily scoffed.

"Well Rita has been staying with you, has she not?" Tess said. "To make sure you're okay, and she has been talking about your progress."

"Thanks for your concern Tess." Lily smiled at her. "But I am fine. You have no reason to worry."

"Just as long as you're okay," Tess sighed.

"I am." Lily placed her cup on the table and stood up. "I'm going back to work now." Tess nodded and Lily made her way out. When she'd left, Tess just sighed and sent a text to Rita. It read only two words:

**No luck. **


	3. Chapter Two

**Tanith Panic: Yeah she's just trying to distract herself, bless her. Thanks for your review :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: The spring trailer looks amazing! I'm loving Connie's storyline at the moment, she's so brilliant :)**

**Guest: Aww I love Ethan so I didn't think I'd enjoy writing it but I do haha :)**

Chapter Two

Lily sighed heavily to herself as she took a huge sip of wine. Normally, she didn't drink on a work night and normally she didn't drink straight from the bottle but work had been stressful and she just felt that she needed something to take the edge off things. It was ten o'clock at night and she finished off the bottle of wine before grabbing another one from the cupboard and starting on that. It was the best thing about living alone. No one could stop her.

* * *

Lily opened her eyes the next morning and yawned. The sun was streaming through her windows and as she rolled onto her side, she noticed the time on the clock. 9:05am.

"Shit!" She cursed, flinging the covers off her and scrambling out of bed.

Her head was absolutely killing her. Deciding to shower later, she threw some clothes on and raced downstairs to make herself a black coffee. Anything to get rid of the banging headache that she had. Feeling exhausted, she grabbed some money and called for a cab to take her to work. Max was outside when she arrived, having a cigarette break.

"Well, well, well Doctor Chao," he teased, as she handed the money to the driver and raced over to him. "You're late."

"Only by half an hour," Lily pointed out, pleased that she'd managed to make it to work by half past nine. Honestly, she thought that she'd be later than that.

"It's still late," Max said.

Lily rolled her eyes, clearly not in the mood for his jokes. That was the thing with Max. He didn't think about how Ethan's death affected her, he just made jokes out of things. She shoved past him and subtly scooted through a crowd of waiting patients towards the locker room. She changed into her scrubs, chucked her clothes and bag into her locker and took a small swig from a plastic bottle that she'd secretly filled with alcohol. Just in case she had another bad day. She locked her locker and rushed out, bumping into Rita on the way.

"You're late today," Rita said, suddenly smelling the alcohol on her. Rita wasn't stupid but she could tell from her own previous experience.

"What?" Lily asked, noticing that Rita had been staring at her.

Rita just shook her head. "Nothing," she said and shrugged her shoulders. "Oh but Lily? You might want to sober yourself up before you start work."

Lily stared gobsmacked at her. "I don't know what you're talking about," she answered.

"Don't play dumb with me Lily," Rita whispered, looking around her in case Connie was to suddenly appear. "I can smell the alcohol on you. You also have bags under your eyes and look as if you have only just jumped out of bed."

"My alarm didn't go off this morning," Lily pointed out.

"Lily," Rita sighed. "You can't go turning at work late and stinking of alcohol. It's dangerous to be drinking so much that you're hungover at work and by the smell of it, you've had some this morning as well."

Lily scoffed and folded her arms across her chest. "I don't think you're really in the position to lecture me Rita."

Cal walked past them at that point, hands in his pockets. "What's going on?" He asked, looking from Rita to Lily.

"Nothing," Rita whispered, her eyes fixated on Lily. "Nothing," she then repeated and walked away to carry on with her work.

"You okay?" Cal asked, turning towards Lily. Lily faintly nodded, praying that Cal couldn't smell the wine on her. "What happened this morning?"

"My alarm didn't go off," Lily whispered under her breath, looking down at the floor. She lifted her head so she was making eye contact with Cal. "What?" She asked him.

"Just making sure that you're okay," he said quietly. "I care about you." Lily didn't make any movement or sound. "Um...What are you doing after work?"

"Nothing," she said. "Why?"

"I was planning on making a visit to Ethan's grave," Cal said. "Maybe take a bunch of flowers or something. Do you want to come?"

"Sorry," she apologised and shook her head. "Now that you um...you mention it, I actually had plans. I'd completely forgot."

"Oh yeah?" Cal asked. "What are you doing?"

"Oh my...My dad might be popping round to see how I'm getting on," Lily lied quickly. "I was going to cook him a meal."

"Interesting," Cal said. "Because I thought the other day you said that your parents were on holiday in America."

"They're back now," Lily put in quickly. "They weren't there for long."

"Right. Well, do you want me to give Ethan a message at all?"

"Just tell him that I miss him," Lily said with a blank facial expression.

Cal nodded and went to hug her. As he did, the smell of alcohol hit him. "Lily," he sighed, automatically pulling away.

"What are you on about?" Lily asked him.

"The drinking..." Cal said, pausing halfway through.

"I don't know what you're talking about..."

Cal scoffed. "And that's about as believable as seeing your dad after work," he mentioned.

"Shut up and just leave Caleb!" Lily snapped and shoved him aside.

"Fine!" Cal yelled after her. "Just remember that I told you to stop this!"

Lily didn't react. She just stormed into the staffroom and slammed the door behind her, throwing herself down onto the sofa with her head in her hands.


	4. Chapter Three

**CasualtyFanForever81: I will update the rest as soon as I can. I need an entire week off work just so I can focus on updating fanfics haha, I might have to do that :)**

**SophF95: Thank you :)**

**Casualty is so amazing at the moment guys! Loved Saturday's episode and cannot wait to see what happens with Connie :)**

Chapter Three

"I'm worried about Lily," Robyn said, as they all sat together in the pub after work. Cal had gone to visit Ethan's grave and take some flowers and Lily had just headed straight home. However, the others had gone for a quick social gathering and a drink.

"Why?" Lofty asked, taking a long swig of his beer.

"Well, considering her boyfriend has just died she isn't acting very upset," Robyn said, shrugging her shoulders. "I haven't seen her cry once and she's not taken any time for grieving. All she cares about right now is work."

"I have tried talking to her, trust me," Tess mentioned. "There's no getting through to that girl."

"It is a bit weird though, isn't it?" Max said. "Not crying over the death of your boyfriend. Dixie's been in tears over Jeff, Cal's taken some time off and is still distraught but Lily just...She hasn't felt anything."

"Lily's stubborn," Zoe said. "She's a strong girl and she doesn't want anyone to see her weak side."

"I've been at her house for quite a few nights," Rita said. "Just to make sure she's okay and stuff and she hasn't even cried then. I was there last night as well."

"I thought Cal said Lily's parents were round last night," Max said.

"Do you really believe that?" Rita scoffed. "She only said it to get out of visiting Ethan's grave. Her parents never came round at all. I sat with her and she made dinner and put on a film and chatted away and laughed like nothing had happened. It was pretty worrying to be honest."

"I've seen this before though," Robyn pointed out. "Someone you love dies but you don't cry and you just walk around pretending as if nothing happened..."

"And?" Lofty asked, pushing for her to continue.

"Then one day you just flip and break down," Robyn carried on. "I'm scared that'll happen with Lily. Now, she may seem fine but one day she may just completely lose it. That's why grieving is so important, so you don't do something you might regret one day. She needs to cry."

"Isn't it Ethan's birthday next week?" Max reminded everyone. "What's she going to be like that then?"

"God knows?" Zoe sighed. "I've tried to get Cal to stay at home that day but he just says that work will be a good distraction for him. He doesn't want to sit at home all day on his own."

"Just give Lily time," Tess said. "She has us around and we'll all just have to keep a close eye on her."

"Yeah," Robyn sighed, finishing off her drink. "I guess you're right."

* * *

"So how are your parents then?" Cal asked Lily the next day, going to stand next to her at the reception desk. Lily looked up from flicking through patients notes and shot him a look of confusion. "Your parents? They came round last night, didn't they? That was why you couldn't come and visit Ethan with me."

"Oh!" Lily suddenly remembered. "Yeah. Yeah. They're fine. America was good." Lily slammed the folder shut and walked away.

"Lily!" Cal yelled after her.

"I have work to do!" Lily yelled back and made her way into a cubicle, where Connie was dealing with a patient. "Okay. What do we have?" Lily asked.

"When I ask for your help Lily, I expect you to get here right away," Connie snapped. "Where were you?"

"Sorry," Lily apologised. "I was looking at something and then Cal stopped me." Connie just rolled her eyes. "What we do have?"

"A possible broken leg," Connie said. "And head injury. I need to have a CT scan organised."

"I was on my way to my brother's funeral," the man said, trying hard not to cry.

Lily awkwardly walked to the side of the bed. "I um...I'm very sorry to hear that."

"He was in a car crash," the old man continued. "Died at the scene. I never got on with my brother but...still..." Lily didn't say anything but just shone a torch into his eyes to check him over.

"Lily," Connie whispered sympathetically. "Do you need a moment?"

Lily just smiled at her and shook her head. "I'm fine," she told her. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Just wondering," Connie sighed.

"Okay," Lily said as she carried on looking at the patient. "We will get you a CT scan but if everything is clear with that, you should be able to go home today."

"Thank you," the patient thanked her.

"I'll just go and get that CT scan arranged for you," Lily said, before leaving the cubicle and pushing the curtain across. She sat down at the reception desk and picked up the phone, just as Connie arrived next to her. "Hi it's Doctor Chao. Yes, could I get a CT scan arranged for Mr Patrick Deerman in cubicle 6 please? Thank you." She put down the phone and glanced up at Connie. "Mrs Beauchamp?"

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"Absolutely fine, thank you," Lily answered.

"Um...I wanted to talk to you actually about you possibly taking the day off on Tuesday," Connie said.

"Why?" Lily asked and shrugged her shoulders.

"Because it's Ethan's birthday," Connie said. "I mean, Cal's already told me he wants to work but you didn't take the time off when he did. I thought you might want to stay at home on Tuesday, just have some time to yourself."

"That's very kind of you Mrs Beauchamp but I shall be working as well, thank you," Lily said.

"Lily..."

"I'm not taking the day off," Lily snapped. "I don't need to. It's just his birthday. He won't even be here so it'll just be a day like any other day. Why should I take it any differently?"

"We're all rather concerned for you..." Connie went to say.

Lily laughed and shook her head. "Thanks but you really don't need to be. I'm okay." Connie just sighed heavily and faintly nodded, as Lily walked off, getting to work straight away.


	5. Chapter Four

**CasualtyFanForever81: I did and it looks absolutely amazing :) **

Chapter Four

Cal was standing outside having a quick coffee with Max and Robyn when he saw Lily and Rita approaching. It was Ethan's birthday and Cal was half hoping that Lily would choose not to show up for work.

"She shouldn't be here," Cal sighed, shaking his head.

"Hmm," was all Robyn replied with as she turned her head to look at Lily and Rita. "Look at her. She doesn't even look sad."

"Robyn, don't," Cal warned her quietly. "I'm going to go and talk to them," he said and chucked his empty cup in the bin before making his way over, hands in his pockets. "Hi guys," he greeted.

"Hey Cal, how are you doing?" Rita asked, gently stroking his arm.

"Yeah," Cal sighed and nodded faintly. "I've been better. Connie and Charlie have decorated the hospital and it's what Ethan would have wanted. I'm not working long today. Connie said I can go at two if I wanted."

"That's nice of her," Rita said and turned to Lily. "You sure you're okay?" She checked with Lily

"Yeah, brilliant," Lily replied. "I'm going to go and change and get ready for work. See you both later." She smiled and skipped off into the ED, everyone staring as she went.

"Has she um...Been upset?" Cal whispered to Rita.

Rita shook her head, looking genuinely worried. "Nothing from her. She hasn't even mentioned Ethan's birthday. Connie actually said that she could take today off but she apparently turned down that offer."

"For goodness sake," Cal muttered under his breath. "I try to talk to her and she doesn't even listen to me."

"She doesn't listen to anyone," Rita said. "Don't beat yourself up over it."

The entire hospital had been decorated with brightly coloured balloons and 'Happy Birthday' manners. Every single patient or visitor that came in asked whose birthday it was though. Charlie had brought in cake for everyone in honor of Ethan's birthday so before beginning their shift, they all stood at the reception desk having a slice of cake each.

"Is this home-made Charlie?" Robyn asked, tucking into her slice.

"Not quite," Charlie chuckled. "Just normal shop bought I'm afraid." He turned and patted Cal on the shoulder. "You okay?"

Cal nodded. "Yeah," he said, wiping his eyes slightly. "Thanks. Ethan would have loved this." Ash patted him on the back and gave him a quick hug, Cal sniffing and wiping his tears. "Thank you."

"Take a break, yeah?" Charlie said. "Take your time and I'll handle Connie for you." Cal nodded his head and walked off to the staff-room, Lily just watching him as he walked.

"Doctor Chao!" The sound of Connie's voice caused Lily to jump and drop the notes that she was holding. "Oh well done," Connie said sarcastically, not meaning to be nasty. Even she understood how everyone must have been feeling on Ethan's birthday, including Lily and Cal. "Can I have a word?" Lily sighed and picked up the notes, slamming them down on the desk and storming after Connie. "Okay, go home," Connie sighed.

"What?" Lily couldn't help but laugh. "That was what you wanted to talk to me about. Why?"

"Go. Please," Connie whispered. "I don't want you at work on a day like today."

"What do you mean a day like today?" Lily spat and folded her arms across her chest.

"Ethan's birthday," Connie spoke under her breath. "You shouldn't be here. You should be at home resting, so go."

"Cal's here," Lily reminded her.

"Yes and I've said that he can leave early today," Connie said. "You on the other hand Lily haven't taken any time off since his death and quite frankly, I think you need it. You're pretending as if nothing has happened and like I said to you yesterday, you have a lot of us concerned so go home, get some rest and I'll see you at work tomorrow."

Lily just sniffed and hung her head so she was staring at the floor.

"Lily," Connie continued. "One day off work is not going to hurt anyone."

Lily suddenly screamed loudly and kicked the wall, before bursting into tears. Connie didn't know what to do at first. She just stood staring at the junior doctor in shock before awkwardly giving her a hug.

"I just want him back!" Lily screamed in floods of tears. "I just want him back!"

Robyn walked past at that moment and saw the sight, her eyes widening. Connie continued to hug Lily and just mouthed Ethan's name at Robyn who nodded and quickly scarpered.

"Charlie!" Connie shouted to her colleague. Charlie looked over and nodded, making his way across. "Can you um...Can you go and get Lily a drink, sit her down and just make sure she's okay for me?" Charlie nodded and took hold of Lily's arm gently, leading her away to the staff room.

"Are you okay?" He asked, knowing that it was probably a stupid question.

"I...I just want Ethan!" Lily sobbed, flopping down on the sofa with her head in her hands. Her hair was all over the place, her face was red and she had continuous tears running down both sides of her face. "I can't take it anymore." Charlie grabbed her a glass of water and handed it to her, in which she accepted and took a small sip. "It's so hard. I...I don't know what to do."

"I know," Charlie whispered and perched on the edge of the coffee table opposite her. The door creaked open and Charlie looked up to see Cal hovering behind him.

"Is she okay?" Cal whispered and went to take a seat beside Lily. He removed the drink from her hand and placed it on the table next to Charlie, before gently wrapping his arms round her. Lily nodded in his arms and turned to bury her face in his chest, still crying. Cal rubbed small circles up and down her back and sighed, resting his chin on the top of her head and holding her close. "Thanks Charlie," he thanked the older man. "I'll take it from here."

Trusting that Lily was in good hands, Charlie nodded and exited the staff room, shutting the door on his way out.

"Ssshh," Cal soothed her. "Just let it out little one. Let it out."

"I feel so stupid," Lily sobbed into his chest.

"Please don't," Cal comforted. "Don't. I'm actually really pleased you're doing this Lily. I was beginning to worry."

"Sorry," Lily cried. "I...I couldn't cry. I couldn't because I didn't want to believe that he was really gone. I knew that if I did, then his death would become real and I didn't want that. It was just when...when Mrs Beauchamp was talking to me just now and telling me to go home and I saw the banners and the balloons and I...I just lost it. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I just miss him so much."

"I know, I know," Cal said, trying his best to hold back his own tears. "So do I. He's watching you though. He'll be looking down on us and he will always be with you Lily, even though you can't see him."

"He was the best boyfriend ever," Lily said. "We...We talked about marriage and kids and how we'd get our own place one day and now...now we can't have that." She began to cry harder, making Cal's t-shirt completely wet and tear-stained.

"Oh Lily," Cal sighed, stroking her hair. "Come on, come on. I'm just glad you're grieving, it isn't healthy to hold the tears in. Everyone's been waiting for you to show some emotion. Do you want me to take you home?"

Lily shook her head. "I'd rather stay in here and just...Just take some time out. I don't like being at home right now."

"Sure." Cal nodded, understanding. "Do you mind if I just go and have a word with Mrs Beauchamp though, let her know that you're okay?" Lily pulled away and nodded, sniffing and removing her glasses so that she could wipe her eyes. "Okay. I'll be back in a minute." Cal stood up and gave her shoulder a rub. As soon as he left the staff room, Connie made her way over.

"How's she doing?" She asked.

"Getting there," Cal said. "She cried quite a bit but she talked to me, about how she felt and stuff. She doesn't want to go home though. She just wants to stay in there and take a time out."

"Okay," Connie sighed. "You all right to stay with her?" Cal nodded. "Thanks Cal."

"Connie!" Rita shouted, storming over. "We need to run an MRI scan for..." He then noticed the look on Connie's face and Cal's face. "Is everything okay?" She questioned.

"Lily just got a bit upset," Cal whispered.

"Should I go and let everyone know?" Rita asked. "Just so no one disturbs her for the time being."

"Please," Connie said. "Just go and sit with her Doctor Knight and keep me updated. Okay?" Cal nodded and made his way back into the staff room. "Thanks Rita," Connie thanked Rita, as she walked off to let the staff know what had happened.


	6. Chapter Five

**GypsyAbby: Haha I'm glad you're enjoying it though. Thanks for your review :)**

**Tanith Panic: I thought it's how she'd react as well, so glad I have written her character well :)**

**SophF95: Thank you, glad you like the story :)**

Chapter Five

Lily was lying on the sofa with her head up one end, her legs across Cal's lap. Cal just had a comforting hand placed on her arm and had been staying silent until he felt that she had calmed down.

"You okay now?" He asked her quietly.

Lily remained completely comatose, just staring ahead without blinking or saying a word. Cal gently stroked her hair, hoping to get something out of her but she didn't even flinch.

"Lils?" He asked, letting out a heavy sigh when he got nothing from her. "Hey," he soothed, continuing to stroke her hair. "We're um...We're going to be having a memorial service for Ethan and Jeff soon. I'll be making a speech. I wondered if you wanted to write out something to say."

Lily glanced up at him out of the corner of his eye before shaking her hair and burying her face in the sofa.

"Maybe think about it then," Cal suggested. "It doesn't have to be a long speech, just a few words."

Lily was completely silent. The door opened and Connie walked in. She smiled at Cal and shut the door behind her before walking over, looking down at Lily who had her face buried in the sofa still.

"Can I have a word?" Connie asked, kneeling down so she was at sofa level. "Lily?"

"She's been like that for quite a while," Cal mentioned.

Connie nodded. "Okay, thank you," she whispered. "Lily. Do you want to go home?" Connie looked up at Cal who just shook his head and exhaled deeply. "Stay in here then, yeah? Will you tell us if you need anything?" Still nothing. "Well, I just need to borrow Cal for a second so we won't be long."

Cal managed to remove Lily's legs from his lap so that he could leave the room with Connie.

"What's up?" Cal asked, folding his arms across his chest.

"You need to keep an eye on Lily for me," Connie ordered him. "She's clearly not coping and that's understandable."

"At least she's cried though," Cal pointed out. "I mean her not shedding a single tear was what concerned me the most."

"Yes, that may have happened..." Connie started. "But before that, she was pretending like nothing had happened and now she isn't even talking to anyone. We need to watch her."

"Sure," Cal agreed. "I'll make sure to keep an eye on her. I was going to look at bringing her to work in the morning."

"If she's up to it," Connie said.

"By the way, I have a question," Cal said. "When is the memorial service going to be?"

"I'll let you know once a date is sorted," Connie told him. "Couple of weeks hopefully."

"It'll be a good thing to do," Cal mentioned. "Well, not good. But...Some people couldn't make the funeral because of work and..."

"I know what you mean," Connie interrupted. "It was Charlie's idea so thank him. Just take the rest of the day off and sit with Lily and I'll let you know once a date is set for the memorial service."

"Thanks Connie," Cal thanked her.

Connie managed a small smile but gave him a stern look. "Mrs Beauchamp," she corrected him, before walking away. Cal raised his eyebrows and made his way back into the staff room. Lily was still curled up motionless but she'd rolled over so she was facing the back of the sofa and her back was facing the door.

"Do you want a drink?" Cal asked, going over to make himself a coffee. "Tea. Tea always cheers people up when they're down. Robyn will tell you that. She's good at making tea." As if on queue, Robyn walked in. "And here she is now," Cal said. "Speak of the devil."

"What?" Robyn stared at him, wide eyed and shocked.

"Don't panic," Cal chuckled, walking over and nudging Robyn's arm. "I was just telling Lily what an excellent tea maker you are."

"Oh, she knows that," Robyn said. "I made her one after the cr...the um...you know?"

Cal nodded faintly, looking over at Lily who was still in the same position as before. "What are you doing out here anyway?" Cal asked Robyn, changing the subject.

"Just taking my break," Robyn said and gestured towards Lily. "Is she okay?" She mouthed.

"She will be," Cal whispered and gave Robyn a reassuring nod. "Don't worry about her. She just needs some time." Robyn nodded and Cal went to sit back down next to Lily. "Once when we were kids, it was Ethan's birthday. I think it was his tenth..." Robyn glanced over as Cal continued telling Lily the story. "He blew out the candles on his cake and I...I was crying out for attention because my little brother was getting it all and I didn't like it. I ended up tripping on Ethan's toy race car that he actually received that day. Ended up breaking the car and falling face down into the cake, getting icing all over my face. And you know what? Getting myself covered in cake was Ethan's birthday wish! I couldn't believe it."

As Robyn managed to hide her laughter, Lily let out a small giggle. "Brilliant," she said quietly.

"Oh. You find that funny, do you?" Cal teased and tickled her, causing her to howl with laughter. "Yeah? Stop laughing! It's not funny."

"Stop it! You're tickling me." Lily howled and sat upright, bringing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. "Thanks," she whispered.

"What for?" He asked.

Lily just shrugged her glasses and adjusted her glasses. "You made me feel better."

"Hey, that's what I'm here for," he said and rubbed her arm. "I'm always here for you. As long as we have each other, we'll be okay."


	7. Chapter Six

**CasualtyFanForever81: Me too. I just love their friendship, they have like a tiny love/hate relationship with each other haha :)**

**GypsyAbby: Yeah I love it too. Thank you, I'm so glad you like it :)**

Chapter Six

"Are you sure you want to go to work?" Cal asked as he stood in Lily's living room, watching as she quickly got herself ready for the day ahead. All she did was nod, throwing the cushions back down onto the sofa as she searched for her jacket. "Is this what you're looking for?" Cal asked, picking up a jacket that was draped across the armchair.

"Thanks," Lily thanked him and snatched it out of his hand, before slipping it on. "And I'm fine. Thank you. I want to work."

"Okay," Cal sighed and gave her shoulder a comforting rub. "Cars outside."

"I'll drive if you like," Lily offered, giving him a smile.

"Are you sure?" Cal asked, raising an eyebrow. "Because I don't mind..."

"Nah, I'll drive," Lily said. "You drove all the way over here. Besides, I haven't driven in a while and I kind of miss it."

"Only if you're sure," Cal said, reluctantly handing her the car keys. "We best get going. We don't want to keep Mrs Beauchamp waiting." Lily nodded in agreement, making sure to lock up as they left the house. She hopped into the driver's seat in Cal's car and Cal got into the passengers side. "Be careful with my car," Cal told her jokingly.

"Of course," Lily said, strapping herself in and turning on the engine. She then reversed out of her driveway and set off down the road.

They didn't speak much to each other on the way to work. It was only going down a small country road, when Cal noticed how fast they were actually going. They were only like fifteen minutes away from the hospital so they certainly weren't going to be late.

"We have plenty of time," Cal pointed out to her.

"I know," Lily said, sounding confused.

"Well the maximum speed limit on this road is sixty miles per hour," Cal said. "You're going at seventy five. Be careful."

"In case you haven't noticed, we are the only car on this road," Lily said. "It's always quiet along here."

"Yes but other cars may come along at any time," Cal mentioned. "And there are lots of big trees and sharp corners. Just slow down." Lily pressed her foot on the accelerator, speeding up to eighty miles per hour. "Lily! For goodness sake, slow down."

"Such a baby," Lily whined, changing gear and going round a corner.

"Lily!" Cal screamed to her, pretty sure that they were going faster.

"Shut up Caleb. I know how to drive," Lily snapped at him.

"Lily!" Cal shouted again. "Stop! Stop! you're going to kill us both..."

Lily just laughed hysterically. "Well, now that would be truly tragic. Finding out how he felt, huh?"

Cal let out a sigh and shook his head. "Lily, come on. He wouldn't want you to do this."

"Shut up!" Lily screamed, flinging her head round so she was looking at him. "You don't know anything!"

"Lily!"

Lily moved her eyes back to the road and saw a rabbit dash out in front of the vehicle. She spun the wheel and swerved, causing the car to drive off the road and crash straight into a tree.

* * *

"Has anybody seen Doctor Chao and Doctor Knight?" Connie called to her staff as she gathered them together at reception. No one spoke but there was the odd shake of the head.

"Wasn't Cal picking Lily up this morning?" Robyn asked.

"Well I thought so," Connie said. "I tried ringing him but I got no answer. I tried Lily and it went straight to voice mail."

"Well, shouldn't we be concerned?" Rita asked. "If they're coming to work together. They'd usually ring in Connie. Something could have happened."

"I'm sure they're fine," Connie sighed and walked away, deciding to try ringing Cal again later.

* * *

"Lily?" He groaned as he lifted his head and glanced over to the junior doctor. "Are...Are you okay?" He coughed out. Lily's head was bleeding but she was clearly conscious and she managed to look up and faintly nod.

"I...I can't see," Lily spoke quietly, her vision blurred. "Wh...Where am I?"

"Just...Just hold still," Cal managed, wincing as pain shot through his arm. "I'll get help." He shifted a little and pulled his mobile out of his pocket, sighing heavily when he saw the seven missed calls from Connie. He hovered over Connie's number but instead, just dialed for an ambulance. "Are you sure you're okay?" Cal asked, after getting off the phone. "Let me look."

"Just go away," Lily croaked out, shoving his arm away. "Leave me alone."

"Lily. You're injured," Cal pointed out to her. "Let me take a look." He didn't have time, as the sound of sirens were head in the distance. He opened the car door and climbed out, ignoring the pain in his arm. An ambulance pulled up next to his car and Dixie and Iain hopped out.

"Cal!" Iain called and rushed over. "What happened?"

"Just um...I don't know," Cal gasped for air, running a hand through his hair as Dixie helped Lily out.

"Are you two okay?" Dixie asked, checking over the cut on Lily's head.

"Could have been worst," Cal said.

"Let me get that arm looked at," Iain said, but Cal kept looking over at Dixie and Lily. "She'll be fine Mate," Iain reassured him. "Just concentrate on yourself. I don't think your arms broken but it is bleeding quite a bit."

"Um...Iain," Cal stuttered. "Lily was driving."

"It's your car," Iain said.

"I know." Cal nodded. "But Lily wanted to drive and I said that she could. She was...She was going at like eighty miles per hour though. I think she was trying to kill herself."

"If you're certain about this, you'll need to tell Mrs Beauchamp," Iain said. "It wouldn't surprise me with how she's been acting lately. Come on, let's get you both in the ambulance and get you checked out. Nothing serious though, I think you were both rather lucky."

Cal nodded, glancing across at Lily as he climbed into the back of the ambulance.

* * *

"Am I dead?" Lily murmured. She was lying in a hospital bed, Rita shining a bright light in both of her eyes. Rita couldn't help but feel angry at Lily for asking questions like that but she tried not to show it.

"No Darling," Rita sighed. "You're very much alive."

The door to Lily's room then opened and Connie walked in. "Doctor Chao," she said, walking over and crossing her arms. "Well, I was wondering if you'd be making an appearance at all today."

"Connie," Rita warned her.

"I'm here now," Lily muttered under her breath.

"And what exactly were you doing?" She asked.

"Living life," Lily said. "Life goes too short, you know? Sometimes you have to take action and do things that you wouldn't dream of doing. Ethan died with only memories of working and watching TV. At least if I had died, I'd never forget the time I swerved off the road from going too fast."

"Yeah, well I wouldn't really call joyriding living life," Connie sighed and walked to the side of the bed, placing the end of her stethoscope on Lily's chest. "You almost killed yourself and Cal, and you ruined Cal's car. I have just had Iain talking to me."

"About what?" Lily whispered.

"Cal is adamant that you were trying to kill yourself," Connie said. "Why else would you be trying at eighty miles per hour on a sixty miles per hour road?" Lily didn't answer her. "Lily. I know it isn't easy without Ethan but you need to try. You can't go endangering the lives of yourself and other people."

"Connie, leave it," Rita whispered to her. "She's just been in a car crash for goodness sake, have some sympathy."

"I'm putting you on suicide watch," Connie said. "And until you feel you can talk to me properly, you are not leaving this room." Connie then thanked Rita and walked out with another word.

"You okay?" Rita asked Lily.

"Yeah." Lily faintly nodded with a sigh. "I'm fine." It was quite clearly a lie though.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Angel2021: Indeed :(**

**ETWentHome: Yeah at least Cal is there for Lily. Glad it had you on the edge of your seat :)**

**CBloom2: I totally agree. I'm so pleased you enjoyed the chapter :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Thank you :)**

**GypsyAbby: Aww thank you! That really means a lot to me. Thanks for your lovely reviews :)**

**Tanith Panic: Yeah I think Connie cares secretly when she's being harsh, and she's only being harsh because she doesn't want Lily to harm herself. I love a bit of drama :)**

Chapter Seven

"So what do you suggest?" Connie asked, as she and Rita stood either side of a patient's bed. Rita was about to speak when she saw the door open and Lily walked in. Connie turned to face her and rolled her eyes before turning back to the patient with a sigh. "Why aren't you in bed?" She asked harshly, without turning round to look at Lily.

"I um...I was wondering if I could talk to you," Lily whispered nervously, folding her arms across her chest.

"As much as I would love to have the conversation with you about attempting suicide, I am rather busy as you can see," Connie said and shook her head. "Now get back to bed please. You're on suicide watch don't forget."

"Connie..." Rita went to say.

Lily just shook her head and pursed her lips together, feeling angry at Connie. She didn't mean to say her next words, they just slipped out and automatically she asked herself why she'd said them. "I hate you."

Connie glanced towards Lily with a shocked expression on her face, surprised at the hateful words. "What did you say?" She asked slowly.

Lily's eyes widened as she just stared open mouthed at Connie. She tried to run but Rita grabbed her arm, forcing her to stay where she was. Lily didn't say a single word but instead, just looked at Connie regretfully.

"What did you say Lily?" Connie repeated, her voice sounding angry and forced.

"I didn't..." Lily went to stay but her mouth froze and she suddenly found that she couldn't speak.

"Right," Connie sighed, walking round to the other side of the bed to take Lily's hand. "Rita. Finish things up here for me." Rita nodded her head faintly, as Connie lead Lily out of the room. "Don't ever talk to me like that again Doctor Chao, not unless you want to lose your job!"

"What's going on here?" Charlie asked, making his way over. "Why isn't Lily in bed?"

"That's where I'm taking her," Connie said with an aggressive tone and shoved Lily back into her room. "What on earth is the matter with you?" Lily was silent, clambering back into the bed and holding her knees to her chest. "Speak to me Lily!"

"Just leave me alone," Lily whispered, staring blankly ahead, trying her best to avoid eye contact with Connie. Their moment was suddenly interrupted by Cal walking in, hands behind his backs.

"Now is not the time Doctor Knight," Connie sighed, running a hand through her hair. "You're also meant to be resting."

"I'm okay," he reassured her. "I didn't get injured that badly. Besides, I wanted to give something to Lily."

Lily looked up with an intrigued expression, as Cal made his way over to her bed. He brought his hands out from behind his back and handed her a fleecy, Holby City work jacket. "It's Ethan's," he whispered, as she just sat there and held the jacket, running her hands over it. She didn't say a word but just held it to her face and breathed in Ethan's scent.

Lily just looked up at Cal with tears in her eyes and whispered, "thank you." She then tucked the jacket under her head and lay down on it, closing her eyes. Tears rolled down her cheeks but she just hugged the jacket close, ignoring both Cal and Connie.

"Lily, we have to talk about your behaviour," Connie said but Lily just squeezed her eyes shut tighter.

"What happened?" Cal asked.

"She was quite frankly rude to me," Connie informed him.

"Shut up," Lily whispered, holding Ethan's jacket closer to her.

"Doctor Chao! What is wrong with you?" Connie shouted at her.

"Leave her," Cal whispered quietly to Connie. "She's upset about her boyfriend's death. So am I, we all are. Just give her a break."

"She may be upset Doctor Knight but she cannot go around being rude to people," Connie snapped.

Lily just stared ahead of her, breathing in the smell of Ethan's jacket and sobbing silently to herself. The jacket reminded her so much of Ethan. It was the one that he wore when it was cold at work. She had her own but there was something nice about having Ethan's jacket to wear instead, especially now that he was gone and never coming back.

"Cal, you need to go back and rest," Connie said. "You may not be injured that much but you were still in an accident."

"Can I just have a quick word with Lily?" Cal asked. "Then I will go back to my cubicle. I promise."

Connie hesitated but nodded and left, leaving Cal and Lily alone. Cal smiled to himself and walked round to the other side of Lily's bed, kneeling down so he was at eye level with her.

"Hey little one," he said in a comforting voice. She just stared at him, refusing to say a single word. "Missing Ethan, huh?"

Lily just broke down crying, faintly nodding her head and burying her face in the jacket.

"Ssshh," Cal soothed, rubbing her hand. "Me too. Me too. He'll be proud of you, you know? You're doing so well without him. He'll be so, so proud of you. Do you want a hug?" Lily just shook her head. "Want me to stay with you though?" She nodded. "Come on," he whispered and climbed onto the bed, lying beside Lily and wrapping an arm round her. Lily rested her head on his chest and kept hold of Ethan's jacket, crying harder than ever. Cal didn't say anything but just comforted her as best as he possibly could.


	9. Chapter Eight

**theverystuffoflife: Yeah I love Cal, even though he can be a jerk sometimes. Lily really needs him right now. And yeah it must be horrible for Cal, bless him. Haha I do that though. I was reading this and felt like crying, then remembered it isn't real :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Aww I love making my readers smile! And me too :)**

**GypsyAbby: Thank you and yeah I think Connie would do that if Lily was ever like this. She'd just be like "what would you do if this was your patient Lily," whilst Cal is treating her like every other human being. Thanks for your review :)**

Chapter Eight

Cal and Lily were lying on the bed together. Lily was playing around on an iPad, watching silly, funny videos on YouTube whilst Cal sat and watched, laughing along with her. Lily was wearing Ethan's jacket and Cal had his arm wrapped round her shoulder.

"How on earth do you find these videos?" Lily laughed, tapping on another one to watch.

"I get bored easily," Cal said, shrugging his shoulders. Connie soon walked in and Cal sighed heavily, thinking that they'd got rid of her. "Mrs Beauchamp," he sighed, rubbing Lily's arm as she continued to watch the video.

"Doctor Knight, could I have a word please?" He asked her.

"Back in a bit," Cal promised Lily, kissing her head and getting up to go and talk to Connie. "Yeah?" He asked, folding his arms.

"Lily is here under observation at the moment," Connie reminded him. "Don't go treating her as if trying to kill you both was the right thing to do."

"In case you haven't noticed Mrs Beauchamp..." Cal started to say. "Lily has lost her boyfriend, the only person in life who she felt really loved her. She's just tried to attempt suicide because she wants to be with him more than anything and she's getting shouted at for it, just for feeling emotions. She needs someone to distract her and sit with her."

"Caleb..."

"No," Cal cut her off. "All I have done is treat her like a normal person. I have sat next to her and let her cry and I've just allowed her to play on an iPad for just a little bit of a distraction. I haven't seen her laugh like that in ages."

"And you're right," Connie sighed, nodding her head. "I'm sorry Cal but you are right. She is a doctor though and as well as trying to kill herself, she tried to kill you."

"Just forget that she is a doctor though," Cal said. "Just for a second. She's a normal human being Connie and she doesn't need people asking her what she would do if this was one of her patients. She may be a doctor but that isn't all she is."

"Yes but she needs to know that just because she's upset, she can't go around getting angry at others," Connie pointed out. "You need to understand that Caleb."

"I do and I will have a word with her," Cal said. "But it's Lily's way of grieving. You know she isn't usually one to get angry, it isn't like her. It's just her way of coping with Ethan's death."

"How are you coping?" Connie asked him, going off topic a little.

Cal just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know really," he answered quietly. "Ethan was my brother. I...I still can't believe he's gone and I feel like bursting into tears but Lily..."

"Don't worry about Lily," Connie sighed. "Just...Just leave her to me. Okay?"

"But..."

"No Cal," Connie interrupted. "Lily may have lost your boyfriend but you lost your brother. I know you want to take care of Lily but you also need to take care of yourself. Go and rest and I'll sit with Lily for a bit."

"You've changed your tune all of a sudden," Cal mentioned.

"Just go," Connie said. "Like you said, Lily needs us. Go and have a few minutes to yourself and leave her to me."

"Sure," Cal agreed and walked away.

Connie made sure that he did go to have some rest, before going back to see Lily. She was still sitting up in bed with the iPad. She'd taken a break from watching Cal's funny videos though and was just surfing the internet instead.

"Where did Cal go?" Lily asked, noticing that he was no where to be seen.

"I sent him to go and get some rest," Connie said and sat down in the chair next to the bed. "You weren't the only one in that accident and you weren't the only one to lose someone you love."

Lily placed the iPad in her lap and turned to glare at Connie. "You don't think I know that?" She said.

"I'm not blaming you for anything Lily. I'm just saying that Cal needs to take some breathing space every one in a while," she said. Lily just nodded and got back to the iPad. "What are you doing anyway?"

"Cal was showing me these videos on YouTube," Lily told her. "But they became unfunny after a while so now I'm just googling stuff."

"When you were driving Lily..." Connie began and Lily knew what was coming. She continued to play on the iPad but gulped nervously and tried not to look Connie in the eye. "Were you trying to kill yourself? Be honest with me..." Lily just shrugged, remaining silent. "I'm not going to be mad," Connie assured her. "I just need to know."

"I just wanted to see Ethan again," Lily whispered.

Connie nodded, taking that answer as a simple yes. "Do you feel angry?" She questioned.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, turning to make eye contact with her.

"Well, do you feel like you get angry sometimes?" Connie asked. "You never used to but people have different ways of grieving. I just wondered how you felt in general."

"I um...I guess I do feel like I get angry easily," Lily admitted in a nervous voice. "I just feel angry that...That Ethan died in that crash and I didn't."

"He'd probably rather die than lose you," Connie stated.

"I know," Lily sighed and nodded. "But I wished that I had died, as well as him I mean. I just feel angry that he had to be the one to go. I know Jeff died as well but...Why...Why those two?"

"It's completely normal to feel like that," Connie mentioned. "But you can't take your anger out on other people. You need to try not to. And we'll be here to help you."

"How can you help me?" Lily mumbled under her breath.

"We can," Connie said. "We can work on ways to stop you getting so angry, maybe work on some breathing techniques."

"When can I go back to work?" Lily asked.

"Soon," Connie said. "I promise but you are still under observation and I want to make sure that you are absolutely well enough before sending back to work. You're going to have your off days but we'll sort it out."

Lily just faintly nodded, as Connie stood up from the chair. She then did something that Lily was not expecting. She leaned down and wrapped her arms round her, giving her a comforting hug.

"Are you going to be okay?" She asked Lily, who nodded, feeling close to tears. "Get some rest. Call if you need anything."

"I will," Lily whispered, and Connie left the room. Sighing heavily to herself, Lily turned the iPad off and sniffed the jacket before lying down to try and get some sleep.


	10. Chapter Nine

**ETWentHome: Yeah and I think he is just because of Lily :) thanks for your review.**

Chapter Nine

"It's good to have you back working with us, Lily," Rita said, walking over to her at work. Lily was just stood at the reception desk, flicking through a pile of notes. Looking her up and down, Rita noticed that she was wearing Ethan's Holby City jacket. "You okay?" Lily looked at her out of the corner of her eye and nodded very faintly. "Well, you know where I am if you want to talk about anything." She walked away and saw Connie coming in the other direction. "I'm worried about Lily," Rita whispered, glancing over as Cal made his way over to Lily.

"Why?" Connie asked, watching Lily carefully as she just wrapped her arms around Cal.

"I don't know if she should be working," Rita said. "She still doesn't seem herself."

"Cal and I are both keeping an eye on her," Connie whispered back. "Trust me." Rita just nodded, as Connie walked off to finish what she was doing.

"You okay?" Cal asked, rubbing small circles up and down Lily's back.

Lily just nodded at him and faked a smile. "Fine," she answered, as Dixie and Iain rushed in with a patient on a stretcher. Lily sighed heavily and raced over to see what had happened.

"Lily," Dixie said, smiling at the doctor, pleased to see that she was back. "This is Bethany Roberts. She's sixteen and was involved in a house fire. She has many burns on her face and hands and she has inhaled a lot of smoke. BP is also dropping."

"Okay." Lily nodded, walking alongside the stretcher. "Get her up on the bed and we'll take a look," she said in a quiet, tired voice.

"You okay Love?" Dixie asked, as they sorted Bethany out. "Iain and I are going to grab a coffee later. You can join us if you like."

"I have a lot of work to do actually," Lily said, through gritted teeth. "Okay Bethany. Are you in pain at all?"

"Just my hands," Bethany groaned, hissing a little. "Does my face look okay?"

"You've just almost died in a fire and all you can think about is how you look," Lily scoffed. She sighed heavily, thinking about how close the young girl was to death and how close they had all been to death. And how death had really happened to Ethan. "I'll be right back," Lily said, taking her stethoscope off and placing it on the medicine trolley. She shot Dixie a small smile and walked out, just as Cal was heading her way. "Um...Can...Can you deal with a patient in there?" Lily asked, hands in the pockets of her scrubs. "Her name is Bethany. Dixie kind of wanted you to do it. I don't know why."

"Sure," Cal said, believing the lie. "Are you going to be okay?" Lily nodded. "Okay, well I'm taking my break in about half an hours time so if you take yours then as well and we can talk. All right?"

"All right," Lily repeated and headed off to the staff room instead.

She made sure that the room was empty first and walked inside, shutting the door behind her. Loving the alone time, she took a seat on the sofa and lay down, her head on one of the pillows. She didn't cry. Instead, she just stared into space, holding the sleeves of the jacket to her face. She was still there half an hour later, when Cal walked in.

"Right, I'm on my break now," Cal said and shut the door. "Have you been here the whole time?" Lily didn't say anything to him. "Lils," Cal said and walked over, perching on the edge of the sofa and stroking her hair. "Hey little one. You okay? You feeling okay?"

Lily wanted to say something to him but she couldn't. No words came out of her mouth. She just continued to stare into space and Cal could feel her shivering slightly.

"Are you cold?" Cal asked but he knew that couldn't be true. Her forehead felt warm, the hospital wasn't cold at all and Lily did have Ethan's jacket on over her scrubs. "Lily," he whispered comfortingly, leaning over her. "Come on. Speak to me. You're scaring me here."

Lily didn't say anything still and Cal was beginning to worry. Debating on whether to leave her or not, he raced out to go and find Connie. Luckily, she wasn't far from the staff room.

"Mrs Beauchamp!" He called, running over. "Can you come and check on Lily for me?"

"Why?" Connie asked, immediately looking up from what she was doing. "What's happened now?"

"Um...I...I don't know," Cal said. "She hasn't hurt herself or anything, but she's lying in the staff room and she's just staring into space and she isn't saying a single word to me. I'm just worried about her, that's all."

"Okay," Connie sighed. "Be right back," she said to Charlie and followed Cal to the staff room. Lily was in the exact same position she was before. "Lily. What's going on?" Connie asked, walking over. "Cal tells me you're not speaking to him. Can you talk to me?"

Lily just shrugged Connie off of her, continuing to stare at the same spot on the wall. Cal stood behind Connie, watching and praying that Lily would say something.

"You can go home..." Connie went to say.

"I don't want her going home," Cal cut her off, causing Connie to turn round and glare at him. "What if she...I...I just don't want her to be alone, when she is in this state. I may be being too overprotective but I...I just don't think that it's a very good idea."

"Just stay in here then," Connie rephrased, turning back to Lily. "Okay. You can come out whenever you want and we'll take it in turns to come and check on you. All right?" She didn't get any answer. "Okay. I am just going to go and talk to Cal quickly." She gestured for Cal to follow her and the two of them walked out. "I don't know what we're going to do but she isn't well."

"Mentally?" Cal questioned, raising an eyebrow and crossing his arms.

"Depression, maybe?" Connie suggested. "Look at her Caleb. She's totally comatose. It isn't normal behaviour, you have to admit."

"Do you want me to stay with her?" Cal asked, giving Connie a worried look.

"You have work to do," Connie told him.

"Yeah, I...I can do that later and I'll stay late tonight. Or get in early tomorrow," Cal suggested. "I just wondered if you wanted someone with Lily for a bit. The company probably does her some good."

"Ten minutes," Connie said. "Then I want you back to work, and I'll get someone else to sit with her then. We need to try and work round our shifts, so we don't have everybody bunking off."

"Makes sense," Cal said.

"Lily's important, yes," Connie said. "But so are our patients. Sit with Lily when you can but if possible, try and put work as a priority."

"Will do," Cal agreed.

"Go and get the iPad or something and do what you did before," Connie said. "I need to get some bits together and I'll take over in about ten, fifteen minutes." Cal nodded and thanked her, making his way back into the staff room.

Lily didn't even look up.

Cal just smiled and perched on the edge of the sofa again, kissing her cheek. As he sniffed and a single tear rolled down one side of his face, he felt Lily reach out and give his hand a squeeze and he knew that Ethan was looking down at them both, feeling proud.

**There will be a bit more about Cal's emotions in the next chapter so stay tuned :) **


	11. Chapter Ten

**ETWentHome: Yeah I can see where you're coming from :) I am so glad that you think my writing is good. I don't really think it is but I do it because it's something I love :)**

**SophF95: Thank you so much :)**

**GypsyAbby: Thanks for saying that. And yeah I wanted Connie to start showing her softer side in this so there will be a lot of kind, caring Connie haha :) **

**Tanith Panic: Haha yeah Lily and her awful beside manner again. Although, I think she has improved with that in the show, compared to how she was with patients when she first started :) **

**CasualtyFanForever81: Yeah I need to write a bit more Cal so there'll be a bit about him in this chapter :)**

Chapter Ten

Cal was rummaging through his locker when he came across an old photo. It was one of his favourites and he kept it in there, so he was able to look at it during a bad shift. It was a photo of him and Ethan, sitting together on a bench outside the hospital smiling and talking. Both of them had a coffee in their hands and both of them looked so happy. Zoe had taken it when they weren't looking. She'd said that it was probably the only time they were getting along with no arguments. Cal smiled and laughed a little at the memory, wiping away a tear. As he held the photo and looked at it, the door opened and Charlie walked in.

"You okay?" He asked and Cal faintly nodded his head. He hated people seeing him cry, always had done. "Do you want to talk about it?" Charlie asked, shutting the door behind him.

"I'm okay," Cal said. "Um...How's Lily?"

"Just forget about Lily," Charlie said. "Just for a second. Are you okay?"

"Honestly?" Cal asked with a sigh, still staring at the photograph. He then shook his head and looked back up at Charlie. "No, I...I'm not."

"Come on," Charlie sighed heavily and leaned back against the table. "Out with it."

"I just miss him so much," Cal whispered, standing next to Charlie with the photo in his hands. "I will admit that I...I absolutely hated him. But he was my brother and I can't believe he's gone and I hate myself so much for being such a jerk to him. He never got to know that I really did love him and that I didn't really hate him. He was my little brother Charlie."

"Ethan knew all that," Charlie said. "Brothers fight and they argue but you and Ethan did have a special bond between you. He looked up to you and he knew that you loved him. He's family and unfortunately you can't choose family. He loved you too though Cal and I don't think he would have asked for another older brother."

"Connie says Lily might have depression," Cal informed Charlie, going off the subject a bit.

Charlie shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe she does," he said. "What I do know is that Connie is getting her tested in case she does have a problem and that you need to take care of yourself. We can look after Lily. You've lost your brother though Cal, so focus on yourself a bit."

"I just still can't believe it," Cal said, breaking down into tears. "I wake up every morning thinking that it's a dream. Then I arrive at work alone and...He's not there and...And I realise that he really is dead and that he is never coming back and I hate it."

"Do you want to go home?" Charlie offered.

Cal shook his head though, wiping away the tears. "No," he sobbed out. "I um...I kind of want to be around people, people who knew Ethan and stuff. I just...I was going to do a speech at Ethan's memorial service and I have no idea what to say."

"Say what you just told me," Charlie said. "Speak from the heart Cal. It doesn't have to be much, just how you felt about Ethan. That's what a memorial service is for. I'll probably be doing a small speech on what a fantastic doctor he was and Connie might be saying something."

"Okay." Cal nodded. "Thanks Charlie. I kind of needed that chat I think."

"Just take a break for a few minutes," Charlie said, as Cal wiped his tears away. "Don't rush back just yet."

"Thank you," Cal thanked him, as Charlie rubbed his shoulder and exited the locker room. Cal sniffed and took one more quick look at the photograph before putting it carefully back into his locker.

* * *

"Okay," Connie said as she sat next to Lily on the sofa in the staff room. "Firstly, I have something for you. I'm not sure if you'll be interested but it might help." She rummaged through the papers on her lap and brought out a book, handing it over to Lily.

"What is it?" Lily whispered, flicking through the pages.

"It's sort of a self help book on how to deal with loss of a loved one," Connie said. "You don't have to try it but there are tonnes of reviews saying how good it was. There's pages on advice, tips, helplines and in between there are little stories on how someone dealt with death. I had a quick read and it's quite good, so have a think about it."

Lily nodded, holding the book in her lap.

"Then there is this," Connie said, handing over a couple of sheets of paper. "Just a small test on how you're feeling genuinely."

"I don't want to do that," Lily said quietly under her breath.

"Lily. I just want to get you seen to," Connie said. "And see whether there is something going on that we need to have looked at. You've grieved which we are all really pleased about but recently you haven't been yourself at all. You tried to kill yourself the other day and now you're taking moments of lying in here on your own and not speaking. This test will just help us evaluate how you're feeling and see if we need to get you checked out."

"I'm okay," Lily lied.

"Just humour me and do the test," Connie begged her. "Please. What's the first question?"

Lily sighed and rolled her eyes. "How do you feel on a day to day basis?" Lily read aloud. "Then it says that I can pick more than one answer."

"Go ahead," Connie encouraged and handed her a pen.

Lily read the answers one by one and began ticking a few. She ticked only three; angry, sad and depressed. Connie was looking over her shoulder but she didn't say anything, just allowed her to carry on.

"Okay, have you ever had any suicidal thoughts?" Connie read the next question. Lily hesitated, her pen hovering over the page before putting a wobbly circle around the word yes. "And how do you sleep at night?" Connie asked.

"There are no options," Lily pointed out.

"Then just be honest and write how you think you sleep," Connie said. "There's no right or wrong answer. It isn't an exam at school."

Lily shrugged her shoulders and chewed on the end of her pen. She only wrote one word, 'okay' and then moved onto the next question. There were ten questions altogether and Lily answered them all as best as she could, before handing the piece of paper back to Connie. She then picked up the book and started to flick through it, whilst Connie read over her answers.

"This one here..." Connie started, tapping question eight. "How often do you get angry?"

"What about it?" Lily asked, her eyes fixated on one of the pages in the book Connie had given her.

"You wrote everyday," Connie mentioned and Lily nodded. "Okay. I'll have a look at that but shouldn't be a problem. Thanks for doing that Lily."

She shrugged and didn't say anything. She just continued to read silently in her head. "I am going to go and have a word with Charlie," she said. "Do you want to stay in here?" Lily nodded. "Okay. I'll leave you to it and someone will be in later to check on you." Lily said nothing again, as Connie exited the staff room and walked up to Charlie.

"I've just been talking to Cal," he said with a sigh.

"Yeah?" Connie questioned and handed the self evaluation to him. "We need to have a chat about Lily."

**I can't wait for Casualty this weekend guys! I love Connie and her storyline is absolutely amazing at the moment, I also can't wait for her and Charlie to go to Romania. I hear she has some little holiday romance :) **


	12. Chapter Eleven

**CBloom2: Thank you. I thought it was important to show Cal's emotions :)**

**Eleven chapters and thirty three reviews! I'm so pleased guys. I honestly wasn't sure what people would think of this story when I started writing it because Ethan's technically dead in it. And I don't usually write death stories but it was an idea I felt I had to write. I'm so glad everyone likes it and thank you so much for your lovely reviews :)**

**Anyway, on with the next chapter :)**

Chapter Eleven

Lily's self evaluation was laid out on Connie's desk, in front of Connie and Charlie. Charlie had read the questions at least three times and he still couldn't believe some of the answers she'd written down.

"Suicidal thoughts?" He asked, pointing to one of them. "That's worrying."

"Yeah, well I think we kind of guessed that one," Connie sighed, hands folded across her chest. "Considering she tried to kill herself and Caleb."

The door to the office opened and Rita walked in.

"Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" Connie asked.

"Have you got any plasters in here?" Rita asked, causing Connie and Charlie to both look up. "It's nothing to worry about. Don't freak out on me."

"What's happened?" Connie asked, as Rita began searching the office.

"It was just a paper cut," Rita reassured her. "She was reading that book that you gave her. Now, are there any plasters in here?"

Connie opened her top drawer and took out a mini first aid kit, passing it over to Rita. Rita thanked her and walked straight out to go back to Lily, making sure to shut the door on her way out.

"I'm not convinced," Connie said, her eyes on the door.

"Everyone gets paper cuts Connie," Charlie sighed, continuing to look at Lily's test answers.

"But I'm pretty sure this wasn't accidental," she said, going to take a seat next to Charlie. "I think we need to look at putting her on antidepressants."

"We may be doctors but pills aren't always the answer to everything," Charlie told her. "And Lily herself will refuse medication, you know that. She's just grieving over the death of her boyfriend."

"Come on Charlie," Connie said, sounding quite annoyed at him. "You said yourself that the suicidal thoughts were worrying." She sighed and ran her hands down her face. "I'm going to be honest with you here. When my dad died, I went on antidepressants for a bit."

"I never knew that about you," Charlie said, making eye contact with Connie.

Connie shrugged her shoulders. "I'm Clinical Lead Charlie. It isn't something I want to spread around for all my colleagues to know about." Charlie just nodded his head. "Anyway, what I am trying to say is that they helped. I'm not on them anymore but they kept things smooth and calm for me."

"And you think they can help Lily?" Charlie asked. "Being a doctor herself and being the stubborn person that she is, I doubt she will allow you to put her on antidepressants."

* * *

"Antidepressants?" Lily questioned, frowning at Connie who was sat opposite her in the staff room. "I'm fine," she lied, shrugging her shoulders. "I don't need to be put on pills."

"Charlie thought you might say that," Connie sighed.

"And he was right," Lily said and got back to reading the book. "I'm not taking any medication."

"Lily. You haven't even considered it properly..." Connie went to say.

"I don't need to consider it," Lily cut her off. "I don't want any medication, so the answer is no."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of Lily, but you can't call this..." Connie gestured to her. "Normal behaviour. I just think it would help you. Yes, it is completely normal to grieve but this is going a bit too far and antidepressants would definitely help you with your moods."

"But I don't want everyone to think that I'm mental and know that I am on pills," Lily whispered quietly, closing the book and hanging her head.

"They don't have to know," Connie told her. "There are many people out there who are on antidepressants and no one knows about it."

"Do you really think I need them?" Lily asked, adjusting her glasses a little.

"I honestly think you do," Connie said. "And I haven't spoken to Cal but I am sure that he agrees with me."

Lily faintly nodded. "Okay," she sighed. "I'll do it."

"If they don't help, then you don't have to take them ever again," Connie said and Lily nodded, faking a smile. "What were you reading anyway?" Connie shrugged, gesturing to the book. "Is it helping?"

Lily shrugged and picked it up again. "A little," she replied. "I was just reading some story about this twenty two year old. Her boyfriend had terminal cancer so she knew he was dying but when he did die, she tried to kill herself multiple times and began self harming. She then started up this cancer support group for people who'd lost loved ones to the illness. She created a website and advertised it online and at work and tonnes of people started attending it and she said that it really helped her and she hasn't cut in a whole year."

"A whole year?" Connie questioned and Lily nodded. "Well that's promising."

Lily shrugged her shoulders again. "For some people," she muttered under her breath.

"What do you mean?" Connie asked.

"Well some people have what it takes to do that, don't they?" Lily said.

"Well yes, and so do you," Connie told her.

"You seem so sure about that," Lily scoffed.

"I am, and you should be too," Connie said.

"I appreciate your faith in me Mrs Beauchamp."

Connie just sighed. "Are you listening Lily?" She asked and Lily gave a very faint nod. "Here, can I have a look at that book with you?" Lily nodded and handed it over. Connie moved closer and flicked open a page for her to look at. "Well look at this. It gives you advice on how to be just like those people, you know? To be honest, they were probably all at the same stage as you at some point."

"I doubt they sat around reading self help books," Lily mumbled.

"You'll get there," Connie said, rubbing her arm. "I promise you."

"Is Cal okay?" Lily whispered.

"He's fine," Connie said. "Charlie had a small talk with him. Why do you ask?"

"I feel bad," Lily sighed, scratching at her arms slightly. "He lost his brother and he...he's having to keep an eye on me all the time."

"Don't feel bad," Connie said. "He wants to help you. We just need to think about him as well, because he's also still upset."

"I know," Lily said and just sighed, staring out into space and thinking about Ethan.


	13. Chapter Twelve

**ETWentHome: Yeah, I do love it when Connie is like that. I love seeing the softer side of her :)**

**GypsyAbby: Aww that's okay. I'm glad you don't think the story is slow. Lily will be showing loads more emotions throughout the story so stay tuned. I'm really pleased that you like it :)**

**Tanith Panic: Aww I know, if only Lily will let people :)**

Chapter Twelve

The memorial service was being held at the beach, one of Ethan's favourite places. Everyone dressed up in their best clothes and booked the day off work, making sure that there was cover at the ED. It was a chance for people who missed Ethan's funeral to say a proper goodbye to the doctor.

"You look lovely today," Cal told Lily, as they stood on the sand together. "I'm not used to seeing you in a dress."

Lily shrugged her shoulders nervously. Although she wore one of her best dresses, she still had Ethan's Holby City jacket on over the top. "Ethan always said he liked this dress," she whispered quietly and folded her arms across her chest. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Yes you can," Cal encouraged and pulled her in for a hug. "Besides, you need to. I need a bit of moral support for when I do my speech."

"The funeral was hard enough," Lily mentioned, still in a really quiet voice.

"Come on," Cal comforted, rubbing her back. "We'll do this together, yeah?"

"Can I hold your hand?" Lily asked. Cal nodded with a smile and took Lily's hand in his, leading her down the sandy beach. They were both silent but Cal could feel Lily's grip tighten with every step she took. 'Your Song' by Elton John was playing through a radio that someone had set up on a table. It was Ethan's favourite song. Lily fiddled with the locket that hung round her neck and gulped nervously, as they made their way over towards Connie and Charlie.

"You okay?" Connie asked Lily awkwardly, not quite sure what to say. She wanted to be sympathetic but honestly, she wasn't sure how to be.

"Can you turn that music off?" Lily asked, avoiding eye contact with the three doctor's and holding Cal's hand even tighter.

"Lily..." Charlie went to say.

"Please," she pleaded.

Connie nodded, gesturing to Charlie to turn it off. He rolled his eyes but walked over to the radio to turn off the music. Lily had began shaking and she looked totally comatose again.

"Hey," Cal whispered, nudging her arm. Lily was just staring straight ahead at something. He glanced across the beach and noticed what she was looking at. Robyn, Lofty and Max were all running around the beach playing with a ball. It looked like they were playing a bit of Piggy in the Middle and Football. "Looks like they're having fun, huh?" Cal asked.

Lily shook her head, let go of Cal's hand and stormed off down the beach towards the three of them. As Max chucked the ball towards Lofty, Lily reached out and grabbed hold of it.

"What do you think you're doing?" Lily spat at them.

"What?" Robyn looked confused at her. "We were just having a game Lily."

"Looked like you were pretty happy to me!" Lily screamed, chucking the ball to the ground and shoving Max hard in the chest. "This is a memorial service, for my boyfriend who is dead in case you hadn't noticed!"

"Lily!" Cal shouted, running over as soon as he saw her push Max. "Stop. Walk away, come on."

"No!" Lily screamed at him, pushing him away. "Look at them! They don't even look upset Caleb! My boyfriend is dead and you lot are just running around the beach having a stupid game of Piggy in the Middle!" She went to lunge at them again but Cal wrapped his arms round her waist, attempting to pull her away. "Get off of me!" She screamed struggling in his arms. "Get off of me Caleb!"

"Not a chance," he said, dragging her away. She struggled in his arms and continued to hit him, trying to get away from his grip.

"Better?" Connie asked sarcastically, raising an eyebrow at Lily.

"Shut up Connie," Charlie muttered under his breath, shaking his head at her.

Lily managed to struggle out of Cal's arms and she just ran off back to the van in tears. Cal thought about going after her for a second, wondering if she wanted some time alone. Then he thought about how leaving her alone at Ethan's memorial service was probably not the best idea. He sighed and stuffed his hands deeply into his pockets before heading off down the beach.

"Lily!" He called, spotting her by the van. "Come and talk to me."

"I'd rather not," Lily choked out, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"What happened back there?" He asked, going to stand beside her.

"I just couldn't stand it," she sobbed. "Seeing them all so happy like that."

"We can't be upset forever," Cal told her. "And you didn't need to lash out like that. That was a bit too much, don't you think?" Lily didn't even answer him. "I have to do my speech. Well, I do want to do it but it will be hard. I'd really like it if you'd stand with me, help me out with it."

"I...I c...Can't," she stuttered.

"You don't need to say anything," Cal whispered. "Just stand with me."

Lily looked hesitant but she nodded anyway. Cal smiled and put an arm round her, leading her back to the others. Everyone else had now gathered round and Cal took the speech he'd written from his pocket, keeping his arm round Lily the whole time.

"Morning everyone," he started off. "Um...So, as his brother I just wanted to say a few words about Ethan." He glanced across at Lily who was just hanging her head, trying to hide the tears. "Everyone knew that he was a good doctor," Cal continued. "There was no doubt about that. The special thing about Ethan was though that everyone got on with him. There wasn't one single person who hated him, and that was because he was just such a lovely guy to be around. He may have died young, leaving everyone who loved him behind but he's up there now reunited with our mum and that probably means a lot to him. That's all I really wanted to say." He finished off and turned to Connie and Charlie. "Thanks."

"That was lovely Cal," Rita told him, giving him a comforting smile. Cal nodded faintly, wiping his watery eyes. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he whispered, hugging Lily. He wasn't sure whether he was hugging her to comfort her, or comfort himself.

"That was lovely," Lily told him quietly. "You really have a way with words."

"Thanks," Cal thanked her. "I was able to do it with you standing right next to me. Are you feeling...Less angry now?" Lily nodded. "Good," Cal said. "Come on. Let's just sit and enjoy the rest of the day, yeah? Anything you want to say about Ethan, you can say to me."

"Okay," Lily said, burying her face in his chest. "Thank you."


	14. Chapter Thirteen

**CBloom2: He is right but unfortunately, it's easier said than done. Very true though :)**

**GypsyAbby: Yeah it was hard writing Cal's speech, I wasn't quite sure what he'd say. Thanks for your review :)**

**niamhmcshane22: Thank you :)**

Chapter Thirteen

Lily sighed heavily to herself as she arrived at work on the Monday morning. She chewed on her lip and stared down at the small white pills in the palm of her hand. Instead of taking them though like she should have done, she unscrewed the lid of her pill pot and dropped them back inside before packing the pot away into her backpack. Deep down, she knew that they were supposed to help her but she just couldn't take them.

"Iain, major RTC on the bridge over the motorway," she heard Dixie say to Iain from the ambulance bay across the way. "Let's move!"

"Dixie!" Lily yelled immediately and ran over, before Dixie could hop into the ambulance. "Dixie. Can um...Can I come? Get some training in about treating patients at the scene."

"I don't know love," Dixie sighed. "You know we don't bring doctors out with us unless it's needed."

"I'd just like to be trained more on stuff like that," Lily lied.

"Well, I'd talk to Connie about it first..."

"I've already asked her," Lily lied again. "She's fine with it. She said it'd be good to get some more experience in other departments."

"Okay," Dixie sighed, smiling a little at her. "If Connie is okay with it, hop in."

Lily smiled and hopped into the back of the ambulance. She was quiet the whole way there and she couldn't help remembering the time she'd had to go in the ambulance after their huge crash, the time of Ethan's death. They drove along the long bridge of the motorway and pulled over, Iain and Dixie jumping out immediately.

"Lily, take this," Dixie said, shoving a bag at her. "And follow me, yeah?" Lily nodded shyly and glanced down below at the moving traffic. She took a deep breath and followed Dixie over to the accident. "Okay, can you tell me your name?" Dixie asked, kneeling down to the pedestrian who had seemed to have been hit by one of the cars. The other car had driven straight into the back of it.

"B...Bethany," the girl whimpered, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Okay, we'll get you some pain relief for that," Dixie soothed. "Lily?" She asked, gesturing to the junior doctor.

"What?" Lily snapped out of her trance but then faked a smile and nodded at Dixie. "Right. Yes. I'll get that for you." Dixie thanked her quietly and got back to treating Bethany, whilst Lily headed off to get the pain relief out of the ambulance.

As she arrived at the ambulance, she looked back down at the fast moving traffic and gulped nervously. One more step and all of the pain and anger would have been gone. Forever.

* * *

"Has anyone seen Lily at all?" Connie asked, walking into reception with her mobile phone in her hand. "I have tried ringing her numerous times but it's just going straight to voicemail. Cal, have you heard anything from her?"

Cal shook his head. "Nothing," he replied. "She usually texts if she isn't coming into work, right?"

"Yes, that is what's worrying me," Connie sighed.

"Didn't she go out with Dixie and Iain?" Robyn piped up, causing an immediate glare from Connie. "She did ask you, right?"

"Why would she have done?" Connie asked, walking over. Robyn was silent. "Robyn, this is serious! What did you hear?"

"I...Lofty and I were having our coffee break..." Robyn stammered. "And we just heard her asking Dixie if she could go out for extra training. She was saying how she'd already asked for your permission though..."

"Brilliant," Connie spat sarcastically and dialled Dixie's number instead. No answer from her. "Why do people have mobiles if they never answer them?" She yelled angrily.

"Dixie's going to be dealing with a patient," Max pointed out.

"Robyn, did you hear where the accident was?" Connie asked her.

"Um..." Robyn tried her best to remember. "The bridge over the motorway I think..."

"Okay..." Connie sighed, shaking her head at her. "Don't panic Connie," she muttered to herself. "Everything will be fine."

* * *

"Here," Lily whispered and handed the pain relief over to Dixie. Dixie thanked her and began talking to Bethany, telling her everything that she was going to do.

"Are you okay Lily?" Dixie asked. "You look a bit pale. Not like you to feel squeamish at the sight of blood."

"Oh, I'm not squeamish," Lily told her, trying to think of something to tell her. "Just...Reminds me of Ethan, the crash and stuff..."

"I understand," Dixie said, trying to put her full attention on Bethany. "Go and sit in the ambulance for a bit if you'd like. I won't mind." Lily nodded thankfully and began making her way towards the ambulance, overhearing Dixie telling Bethany about the crash Ethan and Jeff had died in. She guessed that Bethany had probably questioned the weird behaviour.

Lily took a nervous breath and stood at the side of the bridge, glancing down below. The traffic was still flowing nicely, at a fast speed so if she jumped, she was bound to die. As she shut her eyes tightly, someone shouted her name. It was a guy and at first she thought it was Iain, then she turned her head and saw Cal and Connie climbing out of a car.

"No," she panicked and began to clamber over the side of the bridge. Immediately, she was pushed to one side and she collapsed in floods of tears on the pavement next to the ambulance, Cal on top of her panting and stroking her hair. "No!" Lily screamed, as Cal rolled onto his back so he was lying beside her. "Why did you do that?"

"Doctor Knight, are you okay?" Connie asked, hurrying over. Cal nodded, sweat pouring down his face. "Stay with her and don't let her out of your sight," Connie ordered and rushed over towards Dixie and Iain.

"Let me go!" Lily screamed and tried to stand up, determined to jump over the edge.

"No!" Cal shouted and pulled her back down, keeping his arms round her so she couldn't go anywhere. "You're not going anywhere."

"Yes I am!" Lily shouted back, clenching her teeth together. "Let go of me Caleb! I mean it!"

"Right, you are coming back with us," Connie said sternly, walking back over. "Come on, in the car and we will talk about this back at the ED. You are in serious danger of losing your job Lily!"

"I don't care!" Lily sobbed, as Car dragged her over towards Connie's car. She felt too weak and upset to protest, so just let him lead her over. "I hate you so much! I hate you!" She cried.

"Just get in the car," Cal sighed. He sat her down in the back of the car and shook his head at her in disappointment, before slamming the car door shut.

* * *

"What on earth did you think you were doing?" Connie asked, standing over Lily's hospital bed. Lily shrugged her shoulders, avoiding eye contact. "Lily. You made so many mistakes today. You skipped work, you lied to Dixie, you tried to kill yourself AND you didn't take your pills!"

"How do you know about that?" Lily screeched in a high pitched voice.

"Please Lily, I am not an idiot," Connie spat. She picked up Lily's backpack from the floor and emptied the entire contents onto Lily's bed. The pill pot fell out and Connie made a grab for it immediately. "Completely full."

"I don't need them!" Lily yelled.

"Yes you do," Connie said, throwing the pot onto the bed. "You just tried to throw yourself off a bridge. Dixie would have never been able to live with herself if you had gone and killed yourself whilst out at work. She should have come and asked me first before allowing you to go with her but you Lily should have known better as well. You lied to her and you let me and your colleagues down."

Lily just screamed, throwing her head back onto her pillow.

"You need help," Connie told her. "If this is how you're going to keep acting, then maybe we need to reconsider your job. Hmmm?" And with that, Connie turned and walked out of the cubicle in silence.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

**ETWentHome: Yeah poor Lily and I think Connie's harsh because she secretly cares :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Maybe, we'll just have to wait and see. Honestly, I don't know if that's going to happen yet haha :)**

**GypsyAbby: I'm so glad you think that. I really want to be an author someday. It means a lot when people say how great my writing is, honestly I think it's crap :) **

**Tanith Panic: She is but I love it when she's really nice at times and then goes all strict again, it's the best thing about Connie haha :)**

Chapter Fourteen

Connie groaned in frustration as she sat at her desk, a whole pile of paperwork in front of her. She felt that she was unable to concentrate properly when one of her most promising doctors had just tried to kill herself and was refusing to take her antidepressants. She rubbed at her head, silently praying that the headache would go away so she could just get on with her work when Charlie walked in.

"Where's Lily?" He asked.

Connie pursed her lips together, annoyed that she couldn't just forget about Lily for more than two seconds. "In bed, where do you think?" She spat rudely. "Seeing as she just tried to jump off of a bloody bridge."

"Um...No she isn't," Charlie said.

"Excuse me?" Connie asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I was just in her room and she certainly isn't in bed," Charlie said.

"Oh for goodness sake!" Connie yelled, slamming her folder shut and standing up.

"Sorry...I thought you knew..." Charlie apologised.

"It's fine," Connie sighed, moving towards the door. "I'm going to go and look for her."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Charlie asked.

"She just tried to kill herself Charlie," Connie reminded him. "There is nothing stopping her from trying again." She speed walked into reception and hurried straight up to the desk. "Louise. Have you seen Lily?" Louise just shook her head in silence, so Connie turned round and grabbed Lofty on his way by. "Where's Lily?" Lofty just shrugged his shoulders and walked off. Connie sighed, deciding to check outside. She exited the ED and glanced around looking for Lily. "Where would someone go if they don't want to be found?" She asked, as Rita arrived at her side.

"Um...The roof garden?" Rita suggested, not really giving it much thought.

"She wouldn't, would she?" Connie asked, turning to face Rita.

Rita shrugged. "Not sure," she answered. "But many of our patients have rushed up there before. I was just..." Before she could finish her sentence, Connie hurried off inside and began making her way up the three flights of stairs towards the roof garden.

"Lily!" Connie shouted, pushing open the glass door and spotting Lily on the bench near the huddle of plant pots. "Downstairs."

"I'm not going to do anything," Lily whispered, her arms folded protectively across her chest. "I just wanted some quiet."

"Yes and I want you downstairs," Connie said sternly, holding the door open for her. Lily rolled her eyes and climbed off of the bench, heading towards Connie and making her way back into the hospital. "I thought I told you to stay in your room," Connie scolded, guiding her back downstairs to reception. "I have had just about enough of you."

Lily shrugged. "I wasn't going to do anything," she said angrily.

"Well, I didn't know that. Did I?" Connie said.

"You are not my babysitter!" Lily shouted.

"Oh I think you'll find that I am!" Connie said.

"Shut up!" Lily screamed.

"Lily!" Connie shouted at her, as they arrived at the bottom of the stairs. Everyone was beginning to stare.

"No!" Lily shouted back. "Leave me alone!" She went to run away but Lofty who was nearest, grabbed hold of her. Lily screamed and lifted one of her legs, kicking him straight in the shin and biting him on the arm.

"Fuck!" Lofty screeched out in pain without thinking of his language, immediately letting go of Lily. "Jesus. That really hurt."

"You okay?" Robyn asked, showing concern for her mate.

Lofty nodded, limping away and rubbing at his sore arm. He looked genuinely terrified of Lily, scared that she'd come at him with a knife or something. Robyn and Rita were at his side in seconds, making sure that he wasn't bleeding.

"I'm okay," Lofty whispered. "Just stings."

Lily had already run off by then, causing Connie to get even more concerned than before.

"We better get you checked over just in case," Rita said.

"I'm going to go and find Lily," Connie sighed.

"Let me," Charlie put in, holding his hand up. Connie hesitated but nodded, as Charlie headed off to look for Lily. She was pacing up and down in the staffroom, a hand held to her mouth nervously. "Lily," Charlie said, closing the door.

"I need to hit something," Lily said in a rush, continuing to pace up and down. "Someone." She screamed loudly and kicked the wall, whilst Charlie hovered by the door watching and keeping his distance. He waited until she'd clearly calmed down, before making a move to talk to her.

"Why did you leave your room?" Charlie asked. "When Connie had clearly told you to stay in there."

"There isn't anything wrong with me," she whispered, looking up at Charlie. "I'm not injured or..."

"Connie just wants to keep an eye on you," Charlie mentioned. "And you still seem shaken up from...Earlier..." Lily didn't answer him. "How about we get you back to your room, just to humour Connie? We'll let you have a little wander round later on if you're still bored."

"Is that a promise?" Lily asked and Charlie nodded. "Fine," she sighed, getting up and following him out of the office. "Is Lofty okay?"

"He's fine, but I do want you to apologise to him," Charlie said, leading Lily back into her room. "You had no right to do that."

"I know," Lily sighed. "It was just an automatic response when he grabbed me like that."

"I'll go and get him for you," Charlie said. "But remember, stay in here. Yeah?" Lily nodded and perched on the edge of the bed. She then exhaled deeply and wrapped Ethan's jacket tightly round her.

**Okay so I don't know if the ED does have a roof garden, probably not haha. It was just an idea for the chapter though so don't hate and comment saying that the ED doesn't even have one. I know they don't, I just made it up :)**

**By the way, I may not update much tomorrow. I have a whole drama competition all day. I'm helping and then also entering. I have to perform a monologue and the winner gets a trophy, I don't think I'll win though. I'm so excited but also really nervous haha :) I'm scared I'll forget my words. **


	16. Chapter Fifteen

**GypsyAbby: Yeah it must be and thank you, I'm glad you do. Thanks for the luck :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Thank you :)**

**ETWentHome: Aww yeah, poor Lofty getting the sharp end of Lily's anger haha. Thanks for reviewing :)**

**Tanith Panic: She does, haha. I always refer to Born Lucky because you really see her weaker side in that where she breaks down crying. Haha I loved writing that bit with Lofty. I wasn't sure how he'd react if Lily lashed out at him like that. Swearing seemed good though :)**

**Glittergirl12: Thanks so much :)**

**Hi guys, I didn't win the drama competition unfortunately but it was still a good day. I have so many confidence issues, sitting here thinking I lost because I'm bad at acting. I still love it, even if I do suck :)**

Chapter Fifteen

"Lily? Lily?"

Lily slowly opened her eyes, groaning at the sound of someone saying her name. She rubbed her weary eyes and yawned, noticing a blurry figure standing in front of her bed watching her sleep.

"You always did look beautiful when you slept," the voice said, and this time it started to sound familiar.

"Cal?" Lily asked, but the figure drew closer and was now more noticeable. "Ethan?"

"Hi Sleeping Beauty," Ethan said, sitting down on the edge of Lily's bed and stroking her hair.

Lily gulped nervously. How could this be happening? Ethan was dead. She subtly pinched herself, making sure that she wasn't dreaming. Instead she just felt pain and Ethan was still sitting in front of her. Had she magically been given a power to see ghosts all of a sudden?

"How...How is this possible?" She stuttered quietly. "You're dead!"

"I needed to see you one last time," Ethan said. "I saw you, trying to jump off that bridge. Didn't you hear me calling you?"

"What?" Lily asked.

"I was calling you Lily," Ethan said. "Telling you not to jump, screaming at you. Luckily Cal and Connie showed up in time. Hmm?"

"Why did you leave me?" Lily asked, feeling herself beginning to well up. "Why did you have to die in that stupid crash?"

Ethan shrugged his shoulders. "Things happen. I'm so proud of you though Lily, you're doing really well. You just...You can't go trying to hurt yourself..."

"I can't live without you," Lily sobbed. "I can't bare it Ethan. It's horrible."

"You have Cal," Ethan comforted.

Lily shook her head, tears streaming down her face. "He tries to help, and I appreciate that. Every time I look at him though, he just reminds me of you. We were going to get married, have kids, the whole lot. It isn't fair that you had to die!"

"I'd rather have me die, than you," Ethan said. "Come on gorgeous. You're strong, the strongest woman I ever met."

"Do...Do you see much of Jeff?" Lily stammered.

"Occasionally," Ethan replied with a smile. "He misses Dixie, looks down on her every single day. You're wearing my jacket, I see."

"Cal gave it to me," Lily whispered. "I hope that's okay."

"Course it is." He smiled at her and stroked her hair again. "I have to go in a minute."

"Please stay," Lily cried, crawling across the bed towards Ethan. "Please. I already lost you once. I can't lose you again."

"Sorry," he sighed. "Do you want a hug before I go?"

"C...Can I?" Lily sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

Ethan nodded his head faintly and held his arms out to her. Tears fell from Lily's eyes and she shifted forwards and wrapped her arms round him. It felt so real, sitting there being embraced in a hug by Ethan. She dug her nails into his back and held him tighter, burying her face in his shoulder.

"I love you," she sobbed, as he rubbed small circles up and down her back.

"And I love you baby girl," Ethan soothed. "Go back to sleep. Keep dreaming."

"Don't leave," Lily sobbed. She tried to hold on tighter but he began to fade away and soon, Lily was sitting completely alone on the bed, in an empty room. "Ethan!" She screamed in hysterics, more and more tears rolling down her cheeks. "Ethan!" She clambered off of the bed and hurried towards the entrance of her room, suddenly being blocked by Cal. "Let me go! I need to go after him!"

"Okay, back into bed," Cal whispered in a soothing voice.

"He was here," Lily sobbed, trying her very best to convince Cal. "He was! I saw him!"

"Wait, wait," Cal calmed her, rubbing his hands up and down her arms and leaning down. "Who?"

"Ethan!" Lily screamed and attempted to push past him. "He was here! He spoke to me and he hugged me, he isn't dead!"

"Lily, you were dreaming," Cal tried to tell her. "Come on. Back into bed and we can talk about it. It was only a dream."

"No!" Lily lashed out, screaming and hitting Cal on the arm.

"Connie!" Cal called out, grabbing both of Lily's arms in an attempt to try and restrain her. "Connie!" Lily screamed angrily, thrashing about to get out of his grip. The curtain was soon pulled across and Connie walked in, staring shocked at the scene. She tried to grab Lily from Cal but Cal shook his head at her. "Don't," he whispered. "She's getting really violent."

"And we can't have that, can we?" Connie spoke sternly, grabbing Lily's arm and guiding her away from Cal. "Lily!" She yelled over the top of Lily's loud screams. Connie sighed heavily and knelt down on the floor, wrapping an arm round Lily's waist and holding her close so she could talk to her. "Lily. What happened?"

"He won't believe me!" Lily screamed and tried to shove Connie away. "Get off," she muttered.

"No chance," Connie said, rubbing her arm comfortingly. "Calm down for me now. Don't get angry." She turned to Cal and said, "explain please."

"She keeps saying that she saw Ethan," Cal informed the clinical lead. "And that he was in the room with her."

"Okay, now we all know that is not true Lily," Connie said in a calm voice, continuing to hold onto her. "It was probably just a dream, yeah? It was just a dream." Lily just screamed, burying her face in Connie's shoulder and crying harder.

"Hey, he loves you," Cal said, walking over and stroking Lily's hair. "And he'd be really proud of you right now. But I bet he's looking down and thinking how loudly his girlfriend can scream. He doesn't like seeing you upset and neither do I. You going to calm down for us?"

"I want him back," Lily sobbed without looking up. "I can't live without him. I can't handle it."

"Yes you can," Cal said. "But getting angry all the time doesn't help. It upsets us all and it can't be much fun for you."

"He said he loved me when he was in here," Lily said.

"And he does," Cal said. "He always will do Lily. You were literally his favourite person on earth. He'll never forget you."

"You just can't hit people when you're upset," Connie said. "You're bound to get upset but don't lash out at me or Cal or anyone. We're just trying to help you and we just want you to be okay." Lily faintly nodded. "Now back into bed and I'm sure Cal will stay with you for a bit. Okay?"

"Can you?" Lily asked.

"Sure," Cal said. "You can tell me all about what Ethan said to you if you like. So I can see if he said anything bad about me."

"No," Lily said, managing a laugh.

"Come on." Connie stood up and gave Lily a gentle hug. "I have to get back to work but my door is always open for a chat, and Cal will stay with you." Lily nodded thankfully, as Connie left the room. Cal placed an arm round Lily and guided her back to the bed.

**I got so emotional writing the conversation between Ethan and Lily, haha. I need a life :) by the way how pretty did Amanda Mealing look at the BAFTA's last night! I was so annoyed that Casualty didn't win an award though :( **


	17. Chapter Sixteen

**CBloom2: Hehe that does sound like a good twist but it won't be happening in this I'm afraid haha :) none of it is in Lily's head. Aw I watch Eastenders but I prefer Casualty, so gutted Coronation Street won haha :)**

**ETWentHome: Aww yeah I thought it'd be a nice little scene :)**

**GypsyAbby: Aww and thanks so much, and thanks for your PM as well. It meant a lot to me :)**

**SophF95: Thank you :) and she did, she always does. I'm so jealous of her beauty, even when she was locked up in prison in Casualty she looked beautiful haha :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Aww, luckily my dad wanted to watch the BAFTAs as well :)**

Chapter Sixteen

Connie yawned and sat down at her desk, rubbing her hands down her face. It had been a long day and then she had to stay and work the night so that she could keep an eye on Lily. She began flicking through the papers on her desk, trying to work out which were priority and which could wait. Lily then walked into the room. in nightware and old trainers, still wearing Ethan's jacket.

"I can't sleep," she whispered.

"Why not?" Connie asked but Lily just shrugged her shoulders. "Do you want some sleeping aid?" Lily scowled, shaking her head. "Okay. What do you want me to do about it?"

"Nothing," Lily replied, shrugging again. "I just wanted a walk, and someone to talk to. Cal's gone home so it's kind of lonely."

"I sent him home because he seemed absolutely exhausted," Connie pointed out. "Trust me Lily, he did want to stay with you tonight."

"I know," Lily sighed and crossed her arms.

"Come on," Connie encouraged. "Back to bed. I'll come and sit with you if you want." Lily nodded thankfully and headed to her room, Connie following.

"Do you ever get lonely Connie?" Lily yawned, climbing into bed and settling under the covers.

"Lonely?" Connie raised an eyebrow at her.

"Well, you live on your own," Lily pointed out. "And neither of us are very popular. I think we both know that."

"I guess I do," Connie admitted and shrugged her shoulders. "Why do you ask?"

"It gets lonely," Lily whispered.

"Well, the hospital is full of people..." Connie went to say.

"Sure," Lily sighed. "But nobody understands anything that's going on with me and I'm in a stupid private room because apparently I disturb the other patients."

"Sorry," Connie apologised, looking at her sympathetically. "Hey um...Why don't you read a book for a bit?" Lily didn't say anything. "Why don't I read to you?"

"If you really don't have anything better to do," Lily mumbled, rolling onto her side.

"I used to read to Grace all the time," Connie mentioned.

"Yeah, but um...I'm not an eleven year old girl," Lily reminded her.

"No but you're clearly unhappy, in need of someone to sit with you," Connie said. "And being read to can be a nice comfort sometimes. If you don't want me to, then..."

"You can do," Lily sighed, feeling tired.

Connie picked up the book by the bed and examined the cover. "Little Women," she said. "I didn't think of you as the type of person to read this."

"It's my favourite book," Lily said. "I usually only read it once every year, at Christmas time. I needed something to keep me busy though unfortunately." She yawned and looked up at Connie who was still standing by the bed, flicking through the book. "What time is it anyway?"

"Two o'clock," Connie said, glancing at her watch.

Lily's eyes widened. "In the morning?" Connie nodded. "When can I actually start working again?" Lily asked, sitting upright. "I mean, I know I tried to kill myself and I understand that but I didn't. I didn't even get injured."

"You are on a suicide watch," Connie reminded her. "Which is why you need to be in here overnight."

"But when can I work again?" Lily repeated. "I get so bored in here and there is nothing wrong with me anyway."

"When I say so," Connie said. Lily just angrily picked her pillow up and lobbed it across the room so it hit the door with a loud thud. "Lily, for goodness sake!" Connie yelled in frustration, running a hand through her hair. "I wanted an easy night today, so please don't lash out. Not tonight."

"Don't treat me like I'm a child!" Lily shouted at her.

"Then don't act like one!" Connie shouted back.

The door opened and Charlie walked in. Connie had completely forgotten that he'd stayed to work through the night as well.

"Patients are starting to complain about not being able to get any sleep," he said. "So can we just calm down and stop shouting at each other? I know we're all tired but shouting isn't going to help anyone. Is it?"

"I just want to be working again," Lily whispered and sat back with her arms crossed, refusing to talk to Connie and Charlie.

* * *

Cal tossed and turned, unable to sleep. How was he supposed to sleep when he knew that Lily was cooped up in the hospital overnight? He also now lived in Ethan's house on his own, which didn't help matters. He sighed heavily and glanced across at an old photo of his brother, before closing his eyes. He had to try and get some rest at least.

"Cal," someone started calling him. "Caleb!"

He opened his eyes and saw Ethan sitting in front of him.

"Ethan?" He asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "I must be dreaming."

"You are Cal," Ethan chuckled and went to sit on the end of his bed. "You don't really think you have some magical power to talk to ghosts, do you?" He asked. "How are you doing big bro?"

"This is insane," Cal said.

"I asked you a question," Ethan said in a harsh tone. "How are you doing? Honestly please?"

"It...It's hard," Cal choked up. "Without you. I thought I'd be able to cope but I um...I guess I was wrong."

"I'm proud of you," Ethan said. "I've noticed how good you are at looking after Lily. I need you to keep on doing that for me. She can't manage on her own."

"I am," Cal whispered. "It's a struggle. I...I miss you..."

"I miss you too," Ethan said. "I know we always argued and such, but you're an amazing brother and I...I love you."

"You're a soppy git, do you know that?" Cal laughed.

"Oh yes," Ethan agreed. "Now um...I gave Lily a hug before I went," he stuttered. "Can I get one from you? Or do we need to do some manly, cool dude handshake?"

"I'd like a hug," Cal said, tears beginning to form in his eyes.

"Please don't cry," Ethan said. "I'm still your brother and one day when the time comes, we'll meet again. I promise you. Just keep looking after Lily, she needs you more than anything."

"I know," Cal said.

Ethan smiled at his older brother and moved closer, wrapping his arms round his neck. Cal buried his face in his brothers shoulder and sniffed, trying his best to hold back his tears.

"I love you bro," Ethan said, before eventually disappearing.

"Yeah." Cal nodded and wiped his eyes. "I love you too little bro."


	18. Chapter Seventeen

**theverystuffoflife: I thought that they both needed to have a dream conversation with Ethan. I felt emotional writing both of them haha. And yeah you will see quite a bit more of Connie struggling with Lily, maybe it's because of how violent she's getting or maybe it's because she's one of Connie's most promising doctors :)**

**GypsyAbby: Yeah I had to write a scene with Cal and Ethan. Yeah exactly, you need to be well enough to work in a hospital. Connie is actually going to be getting a bit more impatient as the story goes on, but only because she cares :)**

Chapter Seventeen

"So I was thinking about sending him for an MRI scan," Cal said to Tess and Charlie, as he flicked through a patients folder. "I can't actually tell what's wrong with him, but whatever it is looks as if it could have been going on for weeks, months even."

Tess was about to respond when Lily raced up and kicked Cal right in the leg. Cal whimpered in pain and keeled over, leaning on the reception desk for support.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Cal yelled at her, not meaning to sound angry. "That really hurt!"

"Lily," Tess sighed and kept a calm voice. "Where are you meant to be?"

"She's meant to be in bed," Cal informed Tess. "She's still under observation by Connie."

"So where is Connie?" Tess asked.

"Just here!" Connie called, walking over and grabbing hold of Lily's shoulder. "Sorry. I turned my back for a second and she ran off."

"You need to keep her under control," Tess told her. "We can't have her disturbing the hospital. If she isn't working, she stays in her room away from everyone."

"What?" Connie scoffed. "And you don't think I know that? I am trying with her. Why don't one of you try helping instead, huh?"

"Just keep her out of reception," Tess said and walked off, rolling her eyes on her way out.

"I hate how they all speak about me as if I can't hear them," Lily muttered.

"Cal," Connie sighed. "Can you watch her for the next hour or so?"

"Me?" Cal gestured to himself. "After she went and just kicked me. Sorry Mrs Beauchamp."

"Cal, please," Connie pleaded. "I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate."

"Cal, come on," Charlie encouraged. "Connie was up all night with her. Just help out for a bit, yeah? You're one of the few people she listens to and after the bridge incident, we can't really leave her on her own."

"Fine," Cal gave in and wrapped his arm round Lily's shoulder. "I'll watch her." He sighed and guided Lily away and up the stairs. At the top of the stairs was a huge window. It was a great view for people to look out of and Cal went to stand in front of it with Lily, unsure of what to say. "Why did you kick me?" He suddenly asked, without thinking.

Lily shrugged. "I was angry and you were there," he answered.

"I thought Connie and I had both advised you not to take your anger out on people," Cal said and shook his head, looking back out of the window. "Nice view. Huh?"

"Yeah," Lily sighed. "Sorry for kicking you. I guess sometimes you just remind me of Ethan."

"Well I look nothing like him," Cal said.

"I know," Lily whispered. "But you're his brother. I'm angry because Ethan's dead and you're like the closest thing to him, so when I look at you I...I just get reminded of his death."

"Understandable," Cal said. "I dreamt about him last night."

"What do you mean?" Lily looked at him, confused.

"He came and sat on my bed and talked to me..." Cal trailed off, noticing the angry look on Lily's face. "What?" He asked.

"You didn't believe me when that happened to me," Lily said.

"Lily..." Cal chuckled. "That was because you thought it was real. It's obvious we were both dreaming, because we miss him so much."

"How do you know that?" Lily asked.

"Ethan is dead Lily!" Cal said. "I hate to say it because he was your boyfriend and my brother but he's dead. He certainly has not come back to life and we certainly cannot see ghosts. We were just dreaming."

"Shut up," Lily muttered, her hands clenching into fists.

"No," Cal refused. "I'm sorry Lily but we all understand that you're upset. We are all trying to help you here but you're just not having any of it. All you want is Ethan and he isn't coming back. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry he died but...You just need to get on with your life. It's what Ethan would have wanted."

"I said shut up!" Lily screamed at him. Someone was walking past and kind of looked across at them with a petrified look before hurrying down the stairs. "I know that, okay?" She yelled, kicking the nearest wall. "I know. I can't help it! Something just flips inside of me and I get angry! I'm sorry I'm such a pain but I can't help it!"

"You're not a pain," Cal said quietly. "But you have me, okay? I know you miss Ethan but sometimes people die and unfortunately, we can't do anything about it."

"But you admit you saw him last night?" Lily asked.

"In my dreams, yes," Cal sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair, beginning to get a little impatient. "Just try and cheer up a little bit, yeah? Live your life. It's what Ethan would have wanted and you and I both know that."

Lily scoffed and shook her head at him. "I can't believe you." She went to walk away but Cal hurried after her and grabbed hold of her arm.

"Lily, wait!" He called in an attempt to stop her.

"Get the fuck off of me!" Lily screamed and pushed him in the chest. She pushed him so hard that he toppled backwards and fell down the huge flight of stairs of the hospital.

**I was going to carry that chapter on but then I thought I'd be mean, leave it as a cliffhanger and carry it on in the next chapter. Mwahahahaha! :D **


	19. Chapter Eighteen

**ETWentHome: Aww thanks so much. She will feel extremely upset with what she's done, I can imagine :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: I will do :)**

**Tanith Panic: Thank you so much! I do love using cliffhangers but I do feel guilty for it haha :)**

**theverystuffoflife: Yeah a possible diagnosis will come out in this chapter. She is usually so calm bless her. Aww I don't think I am the queen but I will certainly check out your story. I love finding new fan fictions to read :)**

**GypsyAbby: Aww I'm so glad to hear it. Haha. I love Cal so I kind of hate her for pushing him, but also feel sorry for her. Nooo, I'm not mean enough to kill Cal don't worry. He's just had a nasty fall, that's all haha :D **

**GUYS! I just have to rant for a second because I am so, so, so happy! I've had an amazing week. I took a maths exam three months ago and they lost my test paper (they did say it'd be two weeks until I found out my result so I was a little annoyed). I found out the other day that I passed though! And on the same day I took a customer service exam and also passed that. My apprenticeship has now finished and I have been given a full time position in my job and I now have a volunteer job once a week working at Hospital Radio. **

**I am so pleased! :D **

Chapter Eighteen

"Cal!" Rita was the first one to see Cal fall. He began screaming in pain as soon as he hit the floor and Rita could see that he'd started to bleed from the head. "Cal!" She yelled again and rushed to his side. "Cal. What happened? Speak to me."

"Rita," Charlie called and hurried over. "Is he okay? What happened?"

"He's bleeding and I...I don't know," Rita said. "I just saw him fall."

"Okay, don't move him," Charlie said, trying to keep a calm voice. "He could have a spinal injury."

"We need to get him into Resus," Rita told Charlie in a panic, who nodded in agreement.

* * *

Lily couldn't quite believe that she'd actually pushed Cal down the stairs. She couldn't quite believe that she'd ran away, instead of rushing over to see if he was okay. He could be seriously injured and she'd have no idea. She just sat by herself in an empty hospital room, under a table with her back against the wall and her knees hugged to her chest. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she dug her nails deep into her legs, scratching nervously at them. She sniffed and choked back a sob, burying her face in her knees. She hated herself for almost killing Cal for a second time.

"Lily!" She looked up at the sound of Tess calling her name. "Lily!"

Lily gulped nervously, unable to speak. She couldn't give away her hiding place, not when she'd worked so hard to get away from the scene. She stayed silent as she heard Tess grow closer. The door handle began to turn and Lily squeezed her eyes shut, her breathing growing heavier and heavier.

"Lily?" Tess was in the room now, but she didn't seem to notice her. "Lily. If you're in here, I just need you to know that Cal has taken a bad fall down the stairs. He's going to be okay but he is badly injured."

Lily swallowed hard. Did Tess realise she was in there? Was that why she was giving her every single bit of information? The door soon closed though and Tess had left the room. Lily's breathing subsided and she sighed in relief, resting her head back against the wall.

* * *

Cal had almost every doctor examining him. He was badly injured but the good thing was that he was going to be okay.

"This may sting a little," Connie said, dabbing at the blood on his head. "What happened Caleb?"

"Lily pushed me," Cal sighed.

"What?" Connie practically yelled at him. "You have got to be kidding me?"

Cal shook his head and looked down at the floor. "No," he whispered. "She got angry."

Robyn had been listening to the entire conversation. Subtly and carefully, she slipped out and headed up the stairs of the hospital. She guessed that if Lily had pushed him downstairs, she'd be around there. She checked the first room and called out Lily's name, shutting the door behind her. Lily immediately climbed out from underneath the table and stood up. Robyn gave her a small reassuring smile and Lily suddenly burst into tears and hugged Robyn tightly.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed, holding Robyn tightly. "I'm so sorry."

Robyn awkwardly wrapped her arms around Lily and tried her best to sooth her. "It's not me you should be apologising to...," she said.

"I...I know," Lily sobbed.

"I was just in there," Robyn mentioned. "He's okay. He's going to be okay. Hush now, come on."

"I killed him!" Lily cried hysterically.

"No," Robyn said. "No, you didn't. He's okay. He's in bed being examined but he's conscious."

"I ruin everything," Lily whispered, still in tears.

"Oh, don't say that," Robyn said.

"Ethan is death!" Lily screamed, stepping away and looking at Robyn angrily. "I almost killed Cal! All I do is ruin things!"

"Lily, please," Robyn calmed her. "If you want to see him, then you need to calm down." Lily nodded and wiped at her eyes with the sleeves of Ethan's jacket. "Come on. Let's go and see him, yeah? I'll come with you."

"O...Okay..." Lily stuttered.

Robyn took her hand and led her outside and back downstairs towards Cal's room. Everyone seemed to be staring but Lily tried her best to ignore them. She felt sick to her stomach, as they walked into Cal's room. Connie looked up immediately but she didn't know what to say or do. She cared for Lily and was concerned for her, but she was also angry for what she did. Lily slowly made her way over to Cal's bed and saw that he was sleeping.

"Sorry," she whispered.

"Come on," Connie said, pulling Lily away by the shoulder. "Step away now."

"Shut up!" Lily screamed at her. "Do not tell me what to do! I was apologising to him!"

"You've caused him enough damage and I need to have a serious word with you, so come with me," Connie said sternly. "Robyn. Stay with Cal in case he wakes up." Robyn nodded and Connie dragged Lily kicking and screaming out of the cubicle. "Scream all you like Lily."

"Just shut up!" Lily screamed, shoving Connie's arm away. "I...I said I was sorry."

"Yes but I still need to talk to you," Connie said. "Lily. Have you ever heard of an illness called IED?"

Lily nodded. "Of course," she said, sniffing a little. "I'm a doctor. Why?"

"Can you tell me what it stands for then?" She asked.

"Intermittent Explosive Disorder," Lily replied. "Why?" She then saw the look on Connie's face. "What?" She asked. "You think I might have this illness?"

Connie sighed and nodded her head. "It's a possibility," she answered.


	20. Chapter Nineteen

**ETWentHome: Yeah and yeah I googled it and some people get it after something traumatic happens and it'll be a reason for Lily's anger problems. Thank you :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: I try but I update the story I have most ideas for. I don't write ones I might have writers block for because I don't want to update for the sake of it and with a rubbish chapter. Give me time and I'll update those when I can. **

**GypsyAbby: Yeah it does. And she is having trouble bless her. Thanks for the congratulations :)**

**I'm not sure how this chapter will turn out or what you guys will think about it. It's something different from my usual writing haha, I hope you like it though :)**

**I wrote this chapter to "No one is Alone" from Into the Woods. **

Chapter Nineteen

Slow, soothing music played throughout the whole of the ED. It had just gone four o'clock and the place was almost deserted. Hardly anyone had been admitted, not that they were complaining. It was nice to have a quiet evening for once. Connie lay on Lily's hospital bed with her arm wrapped round the junior doctor. Lily just had her head resting on her shoulder, tears streaming down her face, whilst Connie read part of her Little Women book to her. Lily was crying quite heavily and Connie wasn't sure if she was listening to the book or not, but she stroked her hair and continued to read to her.

* * *

Cal sighed deeply to himself and ran his hands down his face, wincing as he caught one of his injuries. Tears pricked his eyes as he listened to the gentle music playing. For some reason, it reminded him of his brother. Ethan was the only brother that he had and now he was gone, gone forever. Cal sniffed and took his mobile out of his jeans pocket, glancing down at his display screen. It was a photo of him and Ethan together. That way, he was always with him. Tears began to roll down his face at that point and he couldn't stop them. He wiped them away, as the curtain was pulled across. It was Zoe. She smiled sympathetically at him and held her arms out. Cal faintly nodded his head and she walked over and embraced him in a tight, warm hug.

* * *

Robyn smiled as she sat on the sofa in the staffroom, Lofty's arms wrapped round her. She breathed in his scent and sighed, snuggling up close. Her mascara had started to run with every tear that fell but Lofty just wiped them away with his finger, kissing her temple and stroking her hair. Robyn managed another smile and looked up at him. He smiled back and leaned down to plant a small kiss on her lips, wiping away yet another tear from her face.

* * *

Charlie was sat in the office on his own, just the way he liked it. He was worried about all of the staff at the ED. No one was the same since Ethan and Jeff died. Ash had been getting counselling, Dixie had been quieter than usual, Cal had lost his brother but was focused more on Lily, Lily may have been diagnosed with an extreme anger disorder and Connie was more focused on helping Lily instead of the other patients that came in. Charlie missed both Ethan and Jeff terribly and he hadn't even had the time to show that. The truth was that no one had been the same, not since the crash.

* * *

Dixie sat down in the drivers seat of the ambulance and picked up the small ambulance model that sat in the front. The vehicle didn't feel the same now, not since Jeff had died. Jeff was her partner, her best friend and she had no idea what to do with herself now that he was gone. Tamzin had left and although Iain was a wonderful paramedic and they got on well, he wasn't Jeff. Dixie had tried job hunting, but she loved being a paramedic at Holby City so much and she couldn't let that go. Jeff wouldn't have wanted her to anyway.

* * *

Rita picked up the alcohol bottle that she kept in her locker and held it in the palm of her hand. She hadn't had a drink in ages, she'd been doing so well. She shut her locker door quietly and unscrewed the lid. Taking a deep breath, she took a long sip from the bottle of vodka and slammed it down onto the table in front of her. Although she felt bad for drinking again, she also felt a wash of relief run over her.

* * *

Ash sat in the councillor's office, completely silent. Ben was sat opposite him, legs crossed with a clipboard in his lap. He sat patiently waiting for Ash to speak to him about the crash but he just remained silent. Ash hated the idea of counselling, even though tonnes of people had said that it would help him. He didn't feel that it did though. He hated everything about it. It made him feel sick. Ben began tapping the pen against the clipboard but Ash just drowned out the sound. All he could hear was the music flowing nicely throughout the hospital. It distracted him, made him feel relaxed.

* * *

Lily's tears kept on falling as she put down her pen. Connie stood by the bed and closed the book, making sure to mark the page before placing it on the bedside table. Lily nodded her head at Connie, who smiled at her and removed the questionnaire from the bed. Whilst Lily snuggled down to sleep, Connie slipped the self evaluation into Lily's folder and left the room to assess it.

**I'll be honest. That was a pretty hard chapter to write without any dialogue or anything haha, I hope you liked it though. I'd hate to disappoint my readers :) **


	21. Chapter Twenty

**SophF95: Thanks so much and I really liked writing the one with Cal and Zoe, glad you liked it :)**

**Tanith Panic: I have heard of that and I'm glad you think I pulled it off. That means a lot. Haha yeah that's what got me listening to the song. It's such an awesome film :)**

**ETWentHome: Thank you and yeah sorry for making you upset haha. Glad I'm a good writer though :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Thanks :)**

**GypsyAbby: Thank you. He did need a hug yeah :) and I had to have Lofty and Robyn kiss because they're so cute and I really want them to get together :)**

Chapter Twenty

"It says here that IED can occur in children and adults with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and Autism," Louise said, reading off of the computer screen in front of her.

"Well Lily doesn't have any of those things," Cal pointed out, shrugging his shoulders. He was feeling loads better now, after being pushed down the stairs.

"I don't know. She has tendancies," Robyn chuckled. "My mate's son has Autism and Lily has been acting like him."

"She has IED," Cal reminded Robyn, putting emphasis on his words.

"Wait..." Louise said as she scrolled down the screen. "It also says that the illness can occur after trauma."

"Ethan's death," Cal mumbled quietly with his eyes shut.

"What is IED?" Max asked, walking over. Everyone just turned and stared at him as he tucked into a ham sandwich. "Hey, I'm not a doctor," he said.

"It says that IED, also known as Intermittent Explosive Disorder is where the person has no control of their anger," Louise said. "So, basically they get angry at like the slightest things. They can throw things, break things, scream, kick and punch things or harm people."

"Now I'm scared," Robyn said, actually looking quite nervous.

"This is Lily we're talking about," Cal said. "Don't be scared of her."

"What's going on?" Connie asked, walking over and catching sight of the computer screen. "Ahh, researching are we?"

"Max didn't know what it was," Louise defended, trying to block the screen.

"Mrs Beauchamp. What are we going to do about Lily's work?" Robyn piped up. "Will she still be working here?"

"Of course," Connie said. "I've been talking to Charlie about it. For now, Lily won't be working. She'll stay here but she will be under observation until she's a lot calmer and until we have the medication sorted out."

"Lily will hate that," Cal said.

"We've spoken to her," Connie said. "And I'm sorry but she can't work with how she is at the moment. It isn't fair on the patients, or her for that matter. Once she is a lot calmer and on medication, she will be allowed to return to work. Right now though, she's lashing out at least six times a day and we can't have it. You all saw what happened to Cal."

Cal nodded awkwardly in agreement.

"So she'll be here?" Robyn asked. "Just under observation."

Connie nodded. "That's right."

"Can't you just send her home?" Cal asked. "Like give her the medication and let her have a few weeks at home."

"I'd rather have her here so she's with people," Connie said. "Now, get this rubbish off of the screen and carry on with your work. Okay?"

"Where is Lily at the moment?" Cal asked.

"In her room," Connie said, eyeing him suspiciously. "Why?"

"I was um..." Cal fidgeted and folded his arms. "I was wondering if I could talk to her."

"That's probably not the best idea," Connie said. "She did push you down the stairs about a week ago."

"Please," Cal pleaded with her. "Just a five minute chat with her, that's all."

Connie rolled her eyes but nodded and gestured for Cal to follow her. He couldn't help but feel slightly nervous, in case Lily did lash out at him. He only wanted to help her. Connie led him along the corridor to a private room and opened the door. Lily was just lying in bed reading but she immediately looked up when Cal walked in.

"Go away," she mumbled.

"I did warn you," Connie whispered to Cal and shut the door behind them.

"Hey Lils," Cal greeted in a soothing voice and walked over. "Don't tell me to go away. I wanted to see how you were." Lily shrugged her shoulders. "You're lucky, you know? You don't get to work."

"I want to work," Lily said angrily through gritted teeth, putting down her book and running her hands down her face. "I don't even need fucking medication."

"It won't be so bad," Connie said. "It might make you feel a bit tired at first but that's all. It won't have any horrible side effects like throwing up or anything."

"And you want to keep your moods calm," Cal said. "Don't you?"

"Just leave me alone," Lily groaned and rolled over so her back was to Cal. "You're not making me feel any better."

"Cal is only trying to help darling," Connie put in. "He's right. You need to keep your moods calm, which is why we are prescribing medication to you. I'm afraid to say but you need it."

"I get angry, so what?" Lily snapped. "Everyone gets angry. It's a mood."

"Yes but people don't get angry and push people downstairs," Connie said. "We have had to physically restrain you before Lily and that is not just getting angry. That is exploding."

"You don't have to restrain me," Lily mumbled.

"I think we do," Connie said. "Or you end up seriously hurting someone. The medication will help that though so don't worry. And we can get you therapy if you want that."

"No way," Lily scoffed.

"It might help talking to someone about Ethan," Cal told her, giving her back a comforting rub. "Someone you don't know."

"It's her choice," Connie said to Cal. "It was just a suggestion but she doesn't have to do it if she really does not want to."

Cal nodded. "Right," he sighed. "Well, I'm going to get back to work now so will you be okay with Connie?" Lily just faintly nodded her head, refusing to make eye contact with him. "I'll probably come and check on you later."

"Thanks Cal," Connie thanked him, as he left the room. "Okay Lily. I'm going to get the prescription for your medication sorted out, then I'll come back and we can talk. Yeah?"

"What if I don't want to talk?" Lily grumbled, her head under the pillow.

"Then we can just sit in silence," Connie said and walked out, shutting the door behind her.


	22. Chapter Twenty One

**ETWentHome: Yeah and that's a lovely way of looking at it. Thank you :)**

**theverystuffoflife: Ah I'm glad my story has come in handy haha. I was doing lots of research on IED and lots of autistic people have it and stuff so it is worth looking at for your brother maybe? Thanks for your review :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Wait and see haha :)**

Chapter Twenty One

Lily was stood at the window of her hospital room, looking out. She sighed heavily and drew a smiley face on the glass, feeling bored. She hated Connie. Connie was to blame for all of this, for everything. She was even drugging her, putting her on medication. As she pursed her lips together and just stared out of the window, Connie walked in.

"Bored?" She asked, spotting Lily at the window.

"What do you care?" Lily scoffed, turning to face her.

"Come on," Connie sighed. "Let's go and get a drink or something." Lily looked up, suspecting something but she faintly nodded at Connie and walked over to her. Connie placed an arm round her shoulder and led her out of the room and across to the staff room. "Your medication's almost all sorted out anyway."

"I don't need medication," Lily whispered, as she stopped in the doorway to the staff room with her arms crossed.

"We've already been over this," Connie laughed. "Hot chocolate?"

Lily just shrugged her shoulders. "Sure," she replied, looking around the room. "Do you still think about that crash?"

"Let's not talk about that. Hmmm?" Connie said, making two mugs of hot chocolate. "It'll just upset you."

"Answer my question," Lily ordered. "Do you still think about that crash?"

Connie sighed and perched on the arm of the sofa. "Sometimes," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "I was in charge of my team and two of them died that day so yeah...I guess sometimes I do."

"Ethan and Jeff both died that day," Lily said out of no where.

"I know." Connie nodded her head faintly.

"Do you ever blame yourself?" Lily asked her.

"Do you blame yourself Lily?" Connie said.

Lily shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, I used to but now...I'm not so sure."

"I couldn't really blame anyone," Connie sighed. "I don't think it's anyone's fault. It was an accident."

"Not even the other driver?" Lily asked. "Not even yourself?"

"What are you implying Lily?" Connie asked, shooting her a quick glance before getting up to go and finish making the drinks. Lily didn't say anything to her though. "That's it, isn't it?" Connie asked. "Do you seriously blame me for that crash?"

"Maybe," Lily said quietly, slamming the door shut. "You're clinical lead. You were in charge of everybody in that car, including Ethan." Connie stared at her with wide eyes, completely gobsmacked. "Do you want to know something?" Lily continued. "I wish that you had been the one to die in that crash. Not Jeff, not Ethan but you. And I bet everyone else was thinking it as well."

"I don't think you mean that," Connie said. "You're upset."

"Oh but I do," Lily said, scowling at her. "You ruined my life! You killed my boyfriend."

"Lily, please..."

"No!" Lily shouted. "Don't make excuses. Why did he have to die? Why not you? Why not anyone else?"

"Lily, stop it," Connie ordered her. "I mean it."

"I'll scream!" Lily yelled. "I'll scream and they will all think you're killing me as well!" Connie took a step towards her and Lily screamed. Immediately, Connie grabbed hold of her but Lily just struggled. "Let me go!" Lily yelled. "Connie!"

"Stop struggling," Connie said, trying her best to restrain Lily. Lily struggled towards the cabinet and grabbed the nearest kitchen knife. "Lily! Put that down!" Connie shouted. "Don't be so stupid!" Lily screamed and slashed the knife across Connie's arm, making her scream and step backwards. Lily moved away from her, tightening her grip on the knife handle.

"Charlie!" Connie yelled in pain, watching the blood drip from the knife wound in her arm. "Charlie!"

"What?" Charlie asked, rushing in. He saw that Connie's arm was soaked in blood and then he turned towards Lily and saw the knife in her hands. The blade was red. "Lily. Put the knife down."

"Go away!" Lily screamed, tears streaming down her face.

"Put it down and come with me," Charlie said in a comforting voice. "We can talk. Okay?"

"I don't want to talk," Lily sobbed, shaking her head. "Don't come any further."

"I'd listen to her Charlie," Connie whispered, grabbing the towel from the side and dabbing at her arm with it to try and stop the bleeding. "Please. Look at what she's done to me. I don't want her stabbing you as well. Just listen to her."

"It's fine," Charlie said, taking another small step towards Lily.

"Charlie. She isn't in the right frame of mind right now," Connie said. "She's lost it. For goodness sake, listen to her."

"Lily," Charlie whispered and held his hand out to her. "Drop the knife for me. There's a good girl."

"You are going to get way worst than she did if you come any nearer!" Lily threatened and held the knife out in front of her. Charlie was literally inches away from it and Connie knew that if he went any nearer, Lily was going to stab the knife right into his stomach.

"Charlie, stop," Connie tried to tell him. "Please."

"Lily!" Charlie shouted. "Drop the knife!"

He took a huge step towards her. Lily screamed, turned the knife around and stabbed herself right in the stomach.

**Please don't hate me for the cliffhanger haha. I hope you liked it. I've been leading up to something incredibly dramatic happening and I thought this was far enough in the story :) **


	23. Chapter Twenty Two

**ETWentHome: Thank you! Your reviews do make me smile so thank you for that :)**

**theverystuffoflife: Hehe, I kept it well hidden. I was too excited so I'm having to write this chapter straight away :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Glad you liked it :) **

Chapter Twenty Two

Lily's screams echoed throughout the whole of the ED. Patients, doctors, nurses, everybody stopped what they were doing and looked around, wondering where the screams were coming from.

"What the hell was that?" Robyn asked, looking to Lofty for support.

"Sounded a bit like Lily," Lofty said. "She's probably lashing out again."

"Yeah," Max laughed, walking over. "You should know what she's like by now."

"Guys, have some sympathy," Tess said, walking past.

Robyn was worried though. "Maybe we know what she's like but it still isn't nice to hear her scream in anguish and pain. I'm going to go and see if she's okay. Connie was in the staff room with her wasn't she?" Tess nodded and Robyn walked away to check if Connie needed help.

As soon as she walked through the door, she noticed the blood stained towel on Connie's arm and then she noticed Lily lying on the floor on her back with Charlie knelt at her side. She was bleeding. She was about to ask what happened when she noticed the bloody knife on the floor beside Lily.

"Oh my god," she whispered under her breath.

"Robyn, out!" Connie yelled.

"But..."

"Out!" She repeated. "I mean it!" Robyn nodded and hurried out of the door and back to reception. "How's she doing?" Connie gulped nervously, her eyes fixated on Lily. She suddenly didn't care about her arm anymore, even though it hurt and was bleeding.

Charlie sighed and glanced up at Connie with worried eyes. "She's losing a lot of blood."

* * *

Connie sat on the sofa in the staff room, rocking back and forth slowly. Her arm had been bandaged and Lily had been taken to a room on a stretcher to get fixed up. Zoe and Charlie had gone to sort her out. As Connie stared at the blood stain on the carpet, Rita walked in.

"Are you okay?" She asked and went to sit beside Connie. "Lily will be okay."

"I'm fine," Connie lied quietly to her.

"What happened?" Rita asked, rubbing her shoulder awkwardly. She and Connie had never really been good friends and they'd never really worked well together but she still cared for the brunette. Seeing Connie upset was like seeing a cat bark. It never happened.

"She just stabbed herself," Connie whispered. "None of us could stop her."

"She stabbed you though?" Rita asked, gesturing to Connie's bandaged arm.

"She was accusing me of killing Ethan," Connie admitted. "I tried to restrain her because she was kicking off and she slashed my arm."

"She's not well Connie," Rita sighed and Connie nodded faintly, biting on her nails. "Maybe it's more than IED," Rita suggested, continuing to rub Connie's shoulder. "This isn't normal behaviour."

"You really think that?" Connie asked.

"At this point I don't know what to think," Rita said.

"If you think there's something wrong with her we have an obligation to check it out," Connie told her.

"Okay but not now..." Rita said. "Look at the state of you." The door opened and Charlie walked in. "How is she?" Rita asked straight away.

"She's absolutely fine," Charlie said and Connie let out a sigh of relief. "She's quite tired and Zoe is just finishing up with her but she's going to be fine. Don't worry. She's just a bit agitated, not really letting anyone touch her."

"Connie!" Cal's voice was heard as he rushed into the room, pushing Charlie to one side. "Lily stabbed herself!"

"We know," Connie sighed.

"Why would she do that?" Cal asked, tears pricking his eyes. He turned and noticed the blood stain on the carpet. It was big. "Is that...Lily's blood?"

Connie nodded. "Yeah," she said quietly. "And we don't know Caleb, I'm sorry. She's just not doing too good. Not right now anyway."

* * *

"Please don't touch me," Lily whispered, trying to push Zoe away as she attempted to fix her up.

"Lay back down for me," Zoe comforted, gently pushing Lily back down on the bed. "I'm sorry honey but I'm almost done. I promise you. You're doing really well."

"I want to go home," Lily whimpered.

"I'm afraid that might not be possible for a little while honey," Zoe said. "We'll need to ensure that your physical condition doesn't deteriorate so you'll be kept in for observation for a while. They'll also want to monitor your state of mind and do some tests."

"No more tests," Lily cried. "Please."

"All right. Good as new," Zoe said, finishing off. "Well done. You were really brave."

"It still hurts," Lily whined.

"It will do for a while," Zoe told her. "Don't worry."

"Why do they need to do more tests?" Lily asked her.

"They're just concerned about your well-being Lily," Zoe said. "You stabbed yourself, you caused yourself physical pain and this isn't the first time something like this has happened. Is it now?"

"But I don't want to be crazy," Lily whispered.

"Oh honey, you're not crazy," Zoe said sympathetically. "We just need to find out what is wrong with you." She smiled at her but saw that Lily looked frightened, nervous and sad. "Besides," Zoe added. "Even if you are it wouldn't matter, because all the best people are crazy."

Lily just started crying, feeling absolutely exhausted.

"It'll be okay," Zoe tried to comfort her, just as Cal walked in. "Now probably isn't the best time Caleb."

"Um...Charlie said that it was okay if I came and saw her for a bit," Cal stammered. "I won't be long. I just wanted to see how she was."

"Please," Lily pleaded, wiping a few tears from her eyes.

Zoe nodded and Cal walked over to Lily's bed. Immediately, Lily held her arms out for a hug and he smiled and wrapped his arms around her gently. He understood that she'd be a bit sore.

"Careful with her," Zoe whispered and Cal nodded, rubbing small circles up and down Lily's back.

"You okay beautiful?" Cal asked, squeezing Lily's hand. Lily nodded but then shook her head. "Hey. Come on. Why'd you do it, hmm? You injured Connie and yourself."

"I just wanted everything to be over," Lily sober into his shoulder. "I just wanted the pain to stop. I couldn't take it anymore."

"You're going to be okay," Cal whispered, holding back his own tears. "Everything's going to be okay. I promise you. You're going to be okay."


	24. Chapter Twenty Three

**ETWentHome: Aww, I wouldn't really kill any of them off haha :)**

**CasualtyFanForever18: You'll soon find out :)**

**GypsyAbby: Aww I couldn't wait to be honest. I had to post another chapter lol. I'm glad I write her feelings well, that's nice to hear :)**

**Tanith Panic: Indeed :)**

**Guys, I had a question. I've realised this story is quite long, like I'm on Chapter 24. I still have loads to come for it but I wanted to ask if it was dragging or getting boring or anything. Please let me know :)**

Chapter Twenty Three

Lily hissed in pain as she climbed out of bed. She lifted her top a little and sighed, noticing where her wound had been fixed up. Shame it hadn't killed her. She took a deep breath and limped slowly towards the door of her room. She opened it and spotted Lofty walking over.

"Why are you out of bed?" He asked.

"Needed a walk," Lily whispered, hand on her stomach. "Shit," she cursed, as she tried to move.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine," she answered. "It just...It still hurts a little. That's all."

"Well, you did stab yourself," Lofty chuckled. "You're bound to be in pain."

"Shut up," Lily snapped at him, shaking her head. "Idiot."

"Hey, don't call me that," Lofty said. "I wasn't the one who tried to kill Connie and then herself."

"Lofty!" Lily screamed.

Lofty raised his hands defensively and scarpered. Lily was tempted to go after him, the anger was starting to build up inside and she felt the sudden urge to punch something, someone.

"I hate you!" Lily screamed after him, everyone turning to stare. "You better fucking run!" She carried on shouting after him, until she felt someone clamp a hand on her shoulder. It was Connie. Connie just glared at her and steered her back into her room, making sure the door shut behind them.

"Why is it that whenever I hear noise in this hospital, you are always the cause of it?" She asked.

Lily frowned at her angrily and crossed her arms, her eyes fixated on the bandage around Connie's arm. She sniffed before saying, "because nobody knows how to mind their own business in this hospital."

"They just want to talk to you and make sure you're okay for goodness sake!" Connie said.

"They don't care about me, Mrs Beauchamp," Lily said and rolled her eyes. "They just need a new topic to gossip about."

"Is that really what you think?" Connie scoffed. "See? This is why nobody wants to be around you anymore." She then froze, suddenly realising what she'd said. "Lily. I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Is that true?" Lily whispered back. "Does everyone hate me?"

"No one hates you," Connie said. "Come on. Sit on the bed for me." Lily turned and silently sat down on the edge of the bed. "No one hates you Lily," Connie said, taking a seat next to her. "It's just, when you act out people don't know what to do. This is why we're putting you on medication. I'd like you to take some pills later please."

"I'm not taking any," Lily refused. "I don't want to be drugged up. All it'll do is make me tired."

"At least you won't be lying on the floor screaming and having to be restrained," Connie said. "We need to try it Lily. It could really make a difference for you."

"Zoe says I might have depression," Lily informed her. "Severely."

"And I won't lie to you Lily," Connie said. "That is possible, considering the amount of suicide attempts you've taken. You very rarely smile anymore and you have lost someone extremely close to you. It's nothing to be ashamed of though. Lots of people get diagnosed with it. It's more common than you know."

"Doctors shouldn't be though," Lily sighed and looked at Connie's arm again. "Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore." Connie shook her head.

"How come you're not scared of me?" Lily questioned.

"What do you mean?" Connie asked, looking towards her.

"Whenever I...I hurt someone, one by one people start becoming scared of me," Lily admitted. "You're the only one who isn't, and I stabbed you so you should be really."

"I'm not scared of you Lily because we have no reason to be," Connie said. "You're our friend and our colleague. IED is an illness where people cannot control their anger. It is something that people can't help."

"I'm still not taking medication," Lily said. "No way."

"Fine," Connie sighed. "Can I get you a drink though?"

Lily faintly nodded her head. "Just some water please."

"Okay. I'll be right back."

Connie left Lily's room to go and get her a glass of water. Firstly though, she headed off to get the medication that she had sorted out for Lily. She held two of the pills in her hand and crushed them into the glass of water. She hated herself for tricking her but it was the only way. Taking a deep breath, she went back to Lily's room and gave her the glass.

"Thank you," Lily whispered, taking a small sip. "This water tastes funny," Lily said, pulling a face.

"Oh, does it?" Connie asked and Lily nodded. "Can't see why," she laughed. "It's just water Lily."

"Whatever," Lily mumbled and had another sip. "When do you think I can start working again?"

"Well, that stab wound needs to heal first. Doesn't it?" Connie said. "But as soon as that is healed, we'll see." Lily nodded wearily, placing the now empty glass of water on the bedside table. "You okay?" She asked.

"Just feeling tired," Lily mumbled.

"Why don't you lay down?" Connie suggested. "Get some sleep?" Lily nodded and lay down on the bed. Connie tucked her in and picked up the empty glass, slowly backing out of the room before bumping into Zoe. "Lily's asleep," Connie informed her.

"How?" Zoe laughed. "May I ask?"

"Um..." Connie looked guiltily at the glass in her hand. "I sort of drugged her."

"What?"

"No, not like that," Connie said. "I crushed her medication into her drink because she was refusing to take it."

"You do know that she's going to eventually find out," Zoe said.

"Whatever," Connie scoffed. "For now she's asleep. So let's just enjoy the peace and quiet whilst we can, shall we?"


	25. Chapter Twenty Four

**Tanith Panic: I love Lofty as well, he's such a lovely character, one of my favourite characters to be honest :)**

**ETWentHome: It was indeed haha :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Yeah and Lily isn't going to be happy when she finds out :)**

Chapter Twenty Four

Connie was in Lily's room, sorting out the medication. Zoe had taken her for a quick break and a freshen up so Connie was taking that opportunity to crush the medication into a glass of water. It'd been working lately and Lily hadn't suspected a single thing. As she began to crush the first pill into the drink though, Lily walked in.

"What are you doing?" She screamed, as she noticed the pills being crushed into the water. "Have you seriously been tricking me?"

"Lily," Connie sighed. "We are only trying to do what is best for you and you have to admit yourself that you have been a hell of a lot calmer lately."

"I can't believe you tricked me!" Lily yelled, storming over. Connie immediately dropped the last pill into the drink and tried to stop Lily from lashing out. "No! No! Let go!" Lily shouted. "This is your fault!" Connie subtly grabbed a needle from the side of the bed, lifted Lily's shirt up and stuck it nto her back sedating her. Lily fell weak in her arms, her eyes slowly drooping. Connie sighed a sigh of relief and looked up to see Zoe standing in the doorway.

"It's fine," she said, putting the needle back onto the medical tray. "I handled it."

"So you're drugging her because she got angry at you for drugging her?" Zoe pointed out.

"Don't start," Connie muttered. "It's for her own good."

"Couldn't you have just given her medication?" Zoe asked. "At least that just makes her sleepy and doesn't actually cause her to go unconscious. I hate sedating anyone Connie, let alone Lily."

"In our job though Zoe, we kind of have to do it sometimes," Connie said, helping Lily back into her bed. "She should be out for at least a couple of hours."

"I still don't agree with this," Zoe said. "If you want my opinion."

"Yes well I didn't ask for your opinion," Connie said and walked away.

* * *

Lily was sat on the edge of the bed holding a glass of water, with Connie beside her. Zoe and Charlie were also in the room, sorting a load of things out. Connie handed Lily two of her pills and she tilted her head back and swallowed them down with the glass of water. She grimaced and handed the glass back to Connie, before wiping her mouth.

"Gone?" Connie asked and Lily opened her mouth to show her. "Okay, good. Good girl, well done."

"I'm tired," Lily said, leaning back on the bed.

"Yeah?" Connie asked, putting the drink down. "Well you haven't been sleeping well, have you? Besides the pills are bound to make you a bit sleepy."

"Then why do I have to take them?" Lily whined.

"We've been over this," Connie reminded her. "They'll make you feel much better."

"You didn't have to trick me before though," Lily snapped.

"I did warn her," Zoe told Lily and patted her shoulder.

"Didn't you say you were tired?" Connie changed the subject, turning from Zoe to Lily. "Maybe you should have a little nap then."

Lily shook her head and folded her arms across her chest. "I don't want to sleep," she whispered. "Besides it's too loud in here. I wouldn't be able to get any rest or anything."

"Let her walk around a bit if she doesn't want to sleep," Charlie mentioned. "She can later if she's still tired."

"Okay," Connie sighed. "Stay with me though Lily. Okay?" Lily nodded faintly and followed Connie out of her cubicle. They went up to reception and Rita handed Connie some notes that she'd been looking at and wanted a second opinion on.

"Hey Lils," Cal greeted walking over. Lily's eyes were all droopy though and she just nodded at him, managing a small smile. "Okay. Don't speak to me then," Cal said jokingly.

"I don't like this Lily," Lofty said.

"Yeah. She's creeping me out," Max added, his eyes fixated on the junior doctor. Lily just stood close to Connie with a blank expression on her face, looking tired and slightly out of it.

"Is she okay Mrs Beauchamp?" Robyn questioned.

"She's feeling a bit sleepy today after her pills," Connie informed them, looking up from the notes.

"A bit?" Cal scoffed. "She looks half dead."

"Caleb!" Connie scolded. "Don't. She hasn't been sleeping well and she's pretty miserable about the medication."

Lily just frowned and leaned against Connie.

"Sorry," Cal apologised quietly. "Shouldn't she be getting some sleep though?"

Lily shook her head.

"She doesn't want to sleep just yet," Connie said to him.

"Well, at least she isn't screaming her head off today," Max said.

"Max, shut up!" Robyn snapped, whacking him in the back of his head. "Stop it."

Lily mumbled something and kind of half hugged Connie, whilst the others all just watched. They couldn't help but feel sorry for Lily. She didn't want the medication anyway and it didn't help that it made her extremely tired.

"What was that darling?" Connie asked, stroking Lily's hair gently.

"It's too loud and too bright," Lily mumbled into Connie's shoulder.

"It's because you're sleepy sweetheart," Connie said in a soft voice. Lily nodded sleepily and rested her head against Connie. Connie wrapped an arm round her and said, "you're going to have to have a little lie down later but I'll sit with you. How does that sound?" Lily didn't answer properly but just groaned. "You're too tired to function sweetie."

Lily nodded reluctantly. "I don't want to sleep," she whispered.

"Look at you," Connie sighed. "Come on. Let's get you to bed." Lily stayed where she was, running a hand down her face. "Come on," Connie said but Lily just sniffed and rested her head against her. "You can't sleep in reception," Connie said.

"Can," Lily murmured.

"Fine. I won't let you sleep in reception," Connie sighed. "Come on. I will carry you if I have to but you are going back to bed and you are going to get some rest. No arguments."

"Go on Lily," Cal encouraged. "You look shattered. Go and get some sleep, yeah?"

Lily nodded wearily and wrapped her arms round Connie, her eyes drooping.

"Want to go back to bed then?" Connie asked and rubbed her back and Lily nodded. "Great," she said and turned to look at Cal. "Thanks Doctor Knight."

"Can you read to me?" Lily asked quietly, whilst Connie guided her back to bed.

"Only if you at least try to sleep," Connie said.

"I promise," Lily promised her, climbing into her bed and sliding down under the covers. As soon as she tucked herself in, her eyes closed and she fell straight to sleep.


	26. Chapter Twenty Five

**ETWentHome: Yeah and haha that doesn't sound bad at all. I know what you mean. Sorry I haven't updated this one in a while, I had slight writer's block :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: It is :)**

**GypsyAbby: Yeah it is what she's become sadly. And yeah I thought it'd make quite an interesting argument :)**

**Tanith Panic: Haha I know they're so mean. I like kind and patient Connie :)**

**This story will be ending soon guys. I'm going to miss it :( I wish books didn't have to end. **

Chapter Twenty Five

"And swallow," Connie ordered, handing a glass of water to Lily. Lily downed her medication with the drink and passed the empty glass back to Connie. "Well done. See, the medication isn't all that bad."

"Shut up," Lily whispered, clearly not in the mood for jokes.

"What's wrong with you this morning?" Connie asked. "And don't say that it is the medication because it's obviously more than that."

"I said shut up," Lily snapped, running a hand down her face. "Can't you just leave me alone for ten minutes? I'm fed up of being babysat."

"No can do Lily," Connie said, pouring herself a drink.

"You have a meeting this morning though," Lily reminded her, as the door opened and Lofty walked in.

"That is why I am leaving you in Lofty's hands," Connie said, smiling fondly at him.

"What?" Lofty's face suddenly turned to a petrified expression as he realised what Connie was asking him to do. "Can't Zoe do it or Rita or anyone but me?" He asked.

"Zoe is in the meeting with me, Rita is in charge of the department," Connie said. "Just keep her out of people's hair and make sure she doesn't lash out. It's not rocket science."

"I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself!" Lily yelled.

"I have my meeting," Connie said to Lily and ruffled her hair before leaving the staff room. Lily groaned and turned round to glare at Lofty who was just stood awkwardly in the doorway.

"I'm going to the bathroom," she mumbled, making an excuse to leave and walked out. Lofty nodded and sighed heavily before following, making his way over to the reception desk to chat to Max and Robyn.

"Where's Lily?" Robyn asked immediately.

"Yeah," Max put in. "I thought Connie had left you in charge of her today."

"She had to go to the bathroom," Lofty yawned, folding his arms across the desk and leaning on it. "Why me anyway? Out of all the people in this department. Surely she should have left Cal in charge of her."

"I think Mrs Beauchamp is trying to give Cal a break," Robyn said. "So that he can grieve over his brother's death as well. It's not really been fair on him, having him take care of Lily constantly."

"It isn't fair on me either," Lofty whined.

"Lofty!" Cal called, making his way over. "Hey dude. Where's Lily?"

"Bathroom," Lofty sighed.

"No she isn't," Cal told him.

"What? You actually checked the girl's bathroom?" Robyn laughed.

"No." Cal shook his head. "Rita was just in there washing her hands. I asked her when she came out and she said that no one else was in there."

"That's where she told me she was going," Lofty said slowly, looking at Cal with a confused look.

"And you believed her?" Cal asked. "Lofty. She's been in a bad mood all morning. Why did you just let her wander off like that?"

"I wasn't going to follow her to the bathroom now, was I?" Lofty fought back, but then shifted uncomfortably. "Please don't tell Mrs Beauchamp."

* * *

"You are in so much trouble when we get back," Connie told Lofty, before a bunch of them left to find Lily. They'd checked all over the ED and there was no sign of her but Zoe had been told to ring if she did happen to show up.

"She's a grown woman," Lofty pointed out. "She can take care of herself."

"She's just been diagnosed with IED and severe depression," Cal said. "Have some respect man."

"Caleb, come on," Connie called.

"Okay so are we separating or going altogether?" Rita asked when they got outside.

"Separate," Cal said straight away. "It'll be easier and quicker that way. I have my car." Rita and Connie nodded in unison and switched their phones on before going to their cars.

Cal had no idea where Lily could be. He decided to drive to her house and check there but the doors were locked and the whole placed was in complete darkness. Besides, Lily's house was pretty far from the ED and she'd left her bike in the car park. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, praying that she wouldn't do anything stupid. She'd tried to kill herself so many times before. What if she tried again? Or worst, what if she actually succeeded this time? Cal didn't even want to think about that.

He kicked the side of his car angrily and climbed in, slamming the door shut behind him. He sat for a couple of minutes, listening to the radio and drumming his fingers against the steering wheel, whilst thinking about where Lily would be. It took him a while but he soon realised where she could have ran off too. He changed gear and pulled away from the path quickly, hoping to get there as soon as possible. He reached the graveyard in a matter of minutes.

The graveyard was eerie when there was no one about. He shut the door of his car and took a deep breath before entering the churchyard. As he made his way along the path to where Ethan's and Jeff's graves were, he noticed Lily sitting on a bench opposite Ethan's grave. She wasn't crying or talking, just sitting there.

"So this is where you've been hiding?" He asked, sneaking up behind her.

Lily gasped and spun round to face him. "You scared me," she whispered.

"Sorry," he sighed and took a seat on the bench beside her, looking down at her brother's grave. "We've been looking for you."

"Whose we?" Lily asked him.

"Me," he said. "Rita and Connie. Everyone's worried sick."

"Ethan wouldn't be babysitting me like this if he was here," Lily told Cal.

"But you probably wouldn't be acting like this if he was here," Cal pointed out. "Hmmm?"

"I miss him so much," Lily sobbed, allowing her head to fall against Cal's shoulder. "Everything's changed Cal. I can't live like this anymore. I need him."

"Lily..." Cal sighed, rubbing small circles up and down her back.

"I...I got here right?" She sobbed, sniffing every now and then. "And then I saw the lake across the way and I so desperately wanted to jump in and drown. I saw a bus and I really wanted to step out in front of it and just end everything."

"But you didn't," Cal told her. "That's a huge step for you Lils. You might not think so but it is. A few weeks back you would have attempted stepping out in front of that bus. What stopped you today?"

"Connie told me to always try and think of the positives whenever I felt like killing myself," she whispered. "And to think about how Ethan would feel."

"And?"

"He wouldn't want me to kill myself," Lily said. "And I knew how much it'd upset you if you lost your brother...And me."

"I am so proud of you," Cal whispered, holding her close. "God, you're shivering. We should get you back to the ED before you catch a cold." Lily faintly nodded, feeling quite pleased that he'd found her and was there with her. "And I should ring Connie to let her know that you're safe."

"I'm sorry," Lily said.

"Don't be," Cal said. "I'm really proud of you."

"Do you think I'll ever feel better?" Lily asked.

"You will," Cal said. "Do you know why?" Lily shook her head. "Because..." Cal continued. "You're extremely strong and I believe in you."


	27. Chapter Twenty Six

**Tanith Panic: It is and same. I absolutely love Lofty but I've kind of made him a jerk in this story :)**

**CasualtyFanForever81: Thank you :)**

**GypsyAbby: He is incredibly lovely and brave. Yeah exactly and Lofty is that sort of guy. He's lovely but he'll be able to restrain Lily if she needs it :)**

**ETWentHome: Yeah me too :)**

**niamhmchane22: Indeed :)**

Chapter Twenty Six

"What did you think you were doing running off like that?" Connie yelled, giving Lily a violent shake by the shoulders. "We were all worried sick. We thought that we'd find you lying unconscious in a ditch somewhere."

"Give her a break," Lofty said, from the corner of the cubicle they were in. "She only ran off because she wanted some alone time for once."

"You can be quiet!" Connie scolded him. "I haven't even started with you yet."

"It wasn't Lofty's fault," Lily whispered. "I told him that I was going to the bathroom. It was only because I was fed up of being babysat."

"Lily, please," Connie sighed, throwing her head back.

"No," Lily argued. "It isn't fair. Haven't you ever thought that the only reason I get angry is because people just don't leave me alone? If you would just give me some space already, we wouldn't even have this problem."

"We're only looking out for you," Cal said and Lily turned round to face him. "You tried to kill yourself numerous times."

"But I didn't earlier, did I?" Lily pointed out and turned back to face Connie. "I can be trusted. Cal said I was really improving as well."

"And you are," Connie told her. "Soon you'll be able to go back to work."

"So stop babying me," Lily said. "I know that you all care and I may have depression and a severe anger problem, but I can't spend my whole life being watched and looked after because that is not how I get better."

"Come here," Connie sighed with a smile and pulled Lily in for a hug. "Couple more days, okay?" She suggested. "Then we'll access you and see if you're ready to start working again. I don't want you going back too soon."

Lily faintly nodded her head and hugged her back. "Deal."

* * *

Connie and Cal were both on night shift. Cal had been begging so that he could stay and look after Lily and after hours of it, Connie agreed but only as long as he got some sleep.

"What are you thinking about?" Cal whispered as he sat next to Lily's bed. He watched her as she lay awake, staring up at the ceiling with a fazed expression.

"Not a lot," she said and shrugged her shoulders, yawning a little.

"Tired?" He asked.

She nodded her head and said, "yes. I can never sleep in here though. The bed isn't awfully comfortable anyway."

"I can imagine," he said. "The ED is kind of spooky at night. It's so quiet."

"I know," Lily laughed and sat upright in bed. "Where's Mrs Beauchamp?"

"I think she was doing some paperwork in her office," Cal told her. "Do you want to come for a walk with me?"

"Why?" Lily asked. "It's the middle of the night. Everyone's asleep and I should be too."

"Just a quick one," he offered. "I'll check with Connie first, don't worry."

Lily hesitated and after a while nodded her head. She climbed out of bed and slipped on her dressing gown and a pair of trainers. Cal then wrapped an arm round her and they left her room, making a quick stop at Connie's office.

"I knew it was a bad idea letting you do the night shift," Connie said when they walked in. "You're a bad influence Doctor Knight. She's meant to be fast asleep in bed."

"I couldn't sleep," Lily mentioned, even though her voice sounded quiet and weary.

"I just wanted to show her something," Cal said. "We'll only be outside the entrance. I'm not taking her far."

"Outside?" Connie asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It'll literally take like two minutes," Cal said. "And it's kind of important."

"Very well," Connie sighed. "But it is back to bed straight after. Okay?"

Lily and Cal nodded in unison. Cal took Lily's hand in his and they headed out of the office and out of the ED. They stood directly outside the front doors and looked up at the lit, night sky.

"The sky looks beautiful at night," Lily mentioned, trying to count how many stars there were.

"Yeah," Cal agreed. "Now tell me, what do you see up there?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders and thought for a few seconds. "Stars," she finally replied with the obvious answer.

"Anything else?" He asked but she shook her head. "Ethan's up there," he whispered and he noticed her face drop. "That's what the stars are for. They're to protect anybody after death but they also let their loved ones know that they are safe and sound. Notice when they twinkle?" Lily nodded. "It's their message for anyone down below, letting you know that Ethan is safe and that he misses you."

"I miss him too," Lily said softly and rested her head against Cal's left arm.

"He's up there looking after you," Cal said and pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. He handed it to Lily who just looked at him, confused. "It was on some name a star website."

"You named a star after him?" Lily asked, unfolding the piece of paper and reading it briefly.

"So now whenever you can't sleep at night, you can just look up at your Ethan star and know that he is looking after you," Cal said. "Looking after us both." He knelt down and stroked Lily's cheek gently.

"Cal," Lily sobbed and flung her arms round his neck in tears. "Thank you," she thanked him, sobbing into his shoulder. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome lovely," he said, wrapping his arms round her.

As she clung to him tightly, she was pretty sure that she heard Ethan's message from high above.

_"I love you Lily. Forever and always." _

**Okay so this story is nearing the end. The next chapter will probably be the last chapter if I'm honest :( but I have to say that THIS one was probably my favourite chapter to write. It was just so full of cuteness and I wanted to keep going haha. I did almost cry. **


	28. Chapter Twenty Seven

Chapter Twenty Seven

Lily rushed out of her cubicle and up to Robyn and Rita. She flung her arms round both of them and whilst they stood there in complete shock taking it all in, they hugged her back.

"Lily!" Robyn squealed with delight. She hadn't noticed that the junior doctor was dressed in scrubs at first. "You're back."

"Indeed she is," Connie said, walking up from behind and patting Lily on the back.

"Good to have you back darling," Rita said and gave Lily a brief hug as well. "Bet you've not missed those, huh?" She asked, gesturing to the scrubs. "You working with anyone today?"

"Connie had said that I could work with you actually," Lily said to Rita. "Just because it's my first day back and all."

"Is that okay Rita?" Connie asked and Rita nodded. "Good. I didn't think it'd be a problem," she added, turning back to Lily. "Now Lily. Have you taken your medication?" Lily nodded. "Okay and remember, if you want a break take one. I don't want you to rush back into work and if you get angry then..."

"I'm fine," Lily interrupted. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm okay."

"I know," Connie sighed and rubbed Lily's shoulder. "I know you are."

"Lily," Rita said, walking over to her. "These notes are for a Mr Dwain in cubicle 2. Could you get him a CT scan organised for me?" Lily nodded and took the notes before walking off. "I can see the improvement," Rita said to Connie, who nodded in agreement.

"Just keep her busy," Connie advised Rita. "She still has low points so I think it's best to make sure she's distracted and busy so her mind isn't entirely focused on that."

"That's fine," Rita replied.

Meanwhile, as Lily headed off to get the CT scan organised she bumped into Cal. He'd just been treating a patient who had now been discharged.

"Well, well," he said, winking at her. "It's so nice to see Doctor Chao working again," he joked and gave her a comforting hug. "How are you doing? You okay?"

"Yes thank you," Lily replied politely. She still sounded quite quiet and off, but Cal understood. "Good to be working again."

"Really?" Cal asked, raising an eyebrow. "It's good to have you back at work. You've been missed little one."

"I doubt it," Lily said and shrugged her shoulders.

"Don't say that," Cal chuckled. "You have been missed. Are you working all day today?"

"I'm not sure," Lily said. "Connie's trying to shorten my hours so I'm not doing full days at the moment. Then I'm going to gradually work my way up to nine until five. She doesn't want me doing full days until I'm one hundred per cent."

"Understandable," Cal said. "If you did want to talk at any point during the day, you know where to fine me. I'm pretty sure you'll be okay though."

"Yeah." Lily smiled. "I think I will be. Thanks though."

"I'll let you get back to work." Cal stroked her hair and gave her another hug, before walking off. Lily just carried on doing what she was doing and headed off back to Rita.

"You okay?" Rita asked her. "You were a long time."

"Sorry," Lily apologised shyly. "I was just having a quick chat with Cal. He wanted to see how I was doing."

"He cares so much for you," Rita said. "You're like a little sister to him."

"He's been great," Lily told her. "I...I honestly don't know if I would have survived without him. He's been wonderful." She sniffed and wiped a small tear from her eye. "Sorry," she laughed. "I feel like an idiot."

"Don't," Rita said. "You're not an idiot. Far from it." Lily nodded but she didn't say anything. "Hey. Why don't you go and make us both a hot chocolate, hmm? We could both do with it."

"Sounds good," Lily said and made her way along to the staff room. She was the only one in there but she didn't mind overly. She just made two mugs of hot chocolate, checked her mobile for messages and walked out with the drinks. Rita was busy so she placed her drink on the reception desk for when she was ready and left the ED to go outside.

She exhaled deeply and took a sip of her warm, comforting drink. She stood outside and glanced up at the sky, wincing as the sunlight hit her eyes. About ten hours until it got dark and she'd be able to look up at her Ethan star. She smiled to herself, feeling happy for the first time in ages and had another sip of her drink.

"What are you doing out here then?" A voice asked and she turned to see Ethan standing next to her, leaning against the side of the building.

"Thinking," she answered him. "About how I have the best boyfriend ever, even if we can't see each other every day."

"I'm still your boyfriend," Ethan said. "And you're still my girlfriend. It'll always be that way Lils."

"Of course," Lily said. "I miss you though."

"I miss you too," he said, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek.

Lily cupped her mug in her hands and smiled fondly at the guy she loved. "I love you," she told him, and even though he didn't say it back she knew that he loved her as well.

Lily took a deep breath and sat down on the bench, looking to where Ethan had been standing. It was then that she realised she didn't need to kill herself to be with him. He was always there and she could see him whenever she wanted.

**THE END **

**Wow! I had to post the last chapter. I hope you enjoyed it guys. I kind of miss this story because I have enjoyed writing it but I have many ideas for new fanfictions so stay tuned for more from me :)**


End file.
